As you can see, I wont go down without a fight right? Of course right. So... Mondays can and will be marvelous! ( see Tuesday for results)
* good coffee,
*2 Buck Chuck
*A great place to watch EVERY sunset
*my favorite UGG Slippers
*My buddy Rudy
Ok, so that was this weeks thankfuls... I have lots, I know. That last one needs a discussion. Did you people here about the man who recently died because of a Parrot Fever giving him Pneumonia? Yep... Seems that his daughter exhumed her fathers body to autopsy it and sue Pet Smart! Can u believe that? I googled the illness... sure enough, if I want to get totally paranoid here I would put on my gloves, face mask, and never be around my parrot again! ( thats not happening) It was then that I decided what COULD be adding to my depressive state of mind. I shall delete this habit NOW. Its the dang news! I have news on almost 24/7. Fox, Cnn, Headline... etc.. its kind of like a noise babysitter. I dont have music piped in yet here so the news is next best choice. NOT. I think its adding to my stress! I'm turning it off! I havent heard one positive thing in weeks! I KNOW better than to be around THAT much negativity! I think around 11:00 pm last night, I had sunk to depression times in finances, I was walking around doing self exams thinking I might have breast cancer, I needed to file a lawsuit for pharmaceutical cover up on blood pressure meds, I had to check all locks on the doors because there may or may not be a serial killer loose somewhere in the country, the fire fog and ash might suffocate me before the cancer does me in, and my pets may be killing me!!! Now this is all just up in the air as no one actually SITS down to watch this crap! I got so upset that I tore through the box of DVD's to find a copy of Happy Feet and shoved it into the player! Quick! Change that channel too!!! Ok. Done. Maybe that was a little lightbulb moment too. Dont subliminally let negative crap seap into your brain via newscastors!!
Poor Rudy... and to think I looked at him with fear this morning...tsk tsk.. tsk.... Ginger had a look on her face like " I knew it!Dang bird!"
<-----Going to make a marvelous Monday, and find my music files!!!
Monday, June 30, 2008
As you can see, I wont go down without a fight right? Of course right. So... Mondays can and will be marvelous! ( see Tuesday for results)
Saturday, June 28, 2008
I'd like to talk about grief. The process for those close to you. Maybe, somehow it can help both you the reader, and me the griever. I truly have so much going on in my world that isn't positive, I think that when I help others, I actually help myself. I want so much for this half of a year hold on rotten-ness to be over... turn it around.. I just cant find a way to do it? I sometimes feel that I am spinning my wheels doing things to make things positive, only to be slammed again. There have been so many life changes around here that its a wonder I'm not running down the street Naked right about now.... its just unimaginable... all of it. I refuse to have a pity party about it.. but whats the dang answer people? So here goes... I am in hopes that it helps someone, including me...
Ways to help a grieving Mother
* Be there. I can't tell you how many people were just there for us. From day one, moment one, even now. Our close friends came by to sit with us. Notice, I say friends. I did not really want to be around people that I was not close to. I did not want to have to work at putting on the brave face. There wasn't one there.
* Don't try to fix things. Nothing you or anyone else can do will fix the situation. You can't "make it better." Trying to fix it is just patronizing and upsetting. After all, I couldn't fix it myself, and I consider myself to be a pretty good fixer upper.
*Sharing Skin... TOUCH. It is amazing how much a hug, an arm....a hand, can HELP heal. Friends could reduce me to tears with a hug and yet, at the same time, make me feel so much better. It was like they were taking part of my burden upon themselves; trying to lighten my load.
* Let them cry. I really don't like to cry in front of people. (well, maybe a friend or 2...) But when you have lost your child, just get used to it. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. There is something healing about it. So, let them cry when they feel like it. Don't feel like you did something wrong when they cry. The smallest things can set them off. (and still do)
* Listen. ....I think part of what is helping me deal with my grief is to just be able to talk through it out loud to someone else. When I started thinking to myself, I would always stop myself before I got too far down a thought process. Change the channel Gina quick! But, when talking out loud, it is like I am figuring things out. Don't feel like you have to respond when they start talking about it. Give them time to think through what they want to say and get it all out before you respond.
* Help them change the channel by whisking them away for a coffee, a lunch, a walk, or a manicure. Its brief, and a little uncomfortable, but it works for a little while. I now call it my brain resting place.
* Be willing to sit in silence. When you don't know what to say, it is ok just to sit there. Again, your presence is a comfort even more than words can be some times. It lets them know you care. Again, sharing skin: "touch", is an amazing, healing tool.
* Send food. (& other things) I know this sounds gooberish and truthfully, I always thought it to be lame at best, but when you have just gone through a tragedy...and are still going through it...( I am STILL going through it) the last thing you think about is feeding yourself or anyone else who appears in your home, yet I feel compelled to, and cannot. Remember, WE are the natural nurturers, and normal, is no longer normal. When there are family members coming in and out, the last thing you want to think about is how you are going to feed them. God bless the neighbors who just leave fresh vegetables hanging on my front door knob.
* Understand that they may have irrational thoughts- and that's o.k. I never would have thought I would say, feel, or do some of the things I did after losing Jamie, until I was there. Grief will cause a person to feel things that are abnormal for them. I equate it to misfiring in the brain. Things just wouldn't "connect". Don't criticize them for those feelings or thoughts. If you do, they may not share them with anyone any more. Holding those things in is not healthy. Talking through those feelings is healthy.
*Try to avoid saying those "stupid things" that come out of people's mouths without thinking. For example, we heard things like..."Well, its a shame a seat belt could have saved his life."Helpful? NO! Don't start down the paths of the "what if" game. People can "what if" themselves to death, but it won't change anything. We also heard, "It was all in God's plan." While it sounds like it should be comforting, it really is not. I do not understand why God's plan would let Jamie die, and another son live...why would he allow so much pain?Now.... I don't think God wanted us to suffer like this, but for some reason, he chose not to interfere. Which brings me to another one, "You will understand it one day." That may be so, (though I doubt it) but that does not make it any easier at the time. Don't say you know how they feel unless you have been through the same thing before.
* Talk about the baby. The child. The Teen. The man. One of my fears is that people will forget. For the first few weeks after the funeral, no one mentioned going by the cemetery. This made me feel like they had all just moved on and he was no longer important. In reality, they had been going frequently, but had not said anything because they were afraid to upset me. Once they started talking about him freely, I would cry, yes, but I felt so much better about it. No one can ever forget their child, brother, uncle, grandson, friend. I ache incredibly so, for the last 26 years of memories of my son. Share a familiar funny tale or two..... laughter through tears, my favorite medicine.
* It is MORE than o.k. to leave pictures of them up. Taking the pictures down seems as if they are out of sight, out of mind. Leaving them up says that you still love them and they are still important. Don't tell them to box him up and put him away, that's just cruel.
* Don't be afraid of the work ahead of you. Being around someone who is grieving is not an easy thing. They can tell when you are just going through the motions and that does not help anyone. Sharing in someones suffering means that when you ask how they are doing, or offer to let them talk, you are prepared to be there as long as it takes. Don't judge them. Don't tell them they should not feel the way they do. Be ready to take anything they may throw out without correcting. As much as you want to, you need to just let them vent. Put yourself into them, or get out of their way.
* Try not to avoid them, as it feels like desertion, when in reality, people are just afraid of how to act, what to say or do. Theres something Unholy about the loss of your child, and everybody knows that. Feels that. Its normal, I'm told, for people to do this.... but I'm telling you the perception isn't comforting at all. If you love them, try harder.
*Lastly, Pray. Pray with them, pray for them. Call every prayer warrior that you know, pray for them on your own. When I first lost Jamie, I could not pray on my own. I felt like I had prayed for God to save him, bring him back, or make it a mis identity case with everything that was in me, and when he did not, I didn't have anything left to pray about. Nothing. I had feelings of betrayal... broken promises. Promises that I have kept close to me through all of these years. A promise that if I taught my children the way they should go, they would never stray. A promise that through my prayer covers alone, they would remain safe. It worked brilliantly, until now. That is when the prayers of others carried me. I knew that I needed it, I just couldn't do it for myself, yet. To be honest, I still struggle. I found myself one day praying together with my children around Jamie's grave site, still angry. Shameful, but true. Again I say... My mind knows better, but my heart wont listen.
Thanks for listening to a grieving Mother. Again. Still. Grunt.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Upon leaving the hospital, you can see Stephanie and Jamie are doing well, and that Aviana is just beside herself with the new baby. She seems to be telling her big brother a secret!
I'm grateful that Karen was the best of support for them in my absense. What a Godsend Karen is eh.. I think I'll re nick name her "KareBear"...lol. I was only able to spend one little evening with little Jamie. She will no doubt change so much before I return...grunt. Her big brother Shawn is already acting quite green.... poor baby:(
My Jamie too, I'll bet is beaming somewhere.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Labels: Quilt Speak
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Awhile back, a LONG while back, while birdwatcing, Walt asked me if What I'd give to be a bird for a day. I didnt have to ponder my response and quickly relpied "Heck no! Its dangerous for those birds! Other things eat you.... ya get cold....heck no!!!" I've changed my mind as I have that right as a woman. I think maybe I could find Jamie somewhere.. I dont like all of the different opinions on the after life. Depending on your statement of faith. Its all quite mind boggling you know. You think that you have it all figured out at this age, and BAM... nope, you sure dont.
Fresh coffee in hand, knee elevated on a cushion after fixing Walt a happy Fathers Day breakfast... I sat admiring the freedom of the seagulls above me. Beautiful creatures in flight to ....somewhere? Who would have thought that I'd land in a bird sancutary? Morro Bay boasts the largest bird Estuary in the state. I wondered where they all go. How far, and what they can see that I cannot. Just think where I could go with my human brain and thier skill of flight. I had a chat with my boy. I reminded him to go and comfort his Dad. I'm certain that he is in great need of it today. You see, it isnt only Fathers Day over here at our world. Our Stephanie is in labor. Walking the hospital halls dialated at 4. Ironic you say? Yep yep yep...The new little "she" Jamie is on her way, on Fathers Day. This alone I think can comfort James Dad a bit. A BIT. I cannot for the life of me figure this whole thing out. And frankly, the pain is unbearably hidden most times. It just has to be. I am happy for us all, but I just want my Jamie to live. I just do. I'd like to take that bird challenge for a day, find him, and bring him home. If not home, find out why not. Maybe Im still in an "acceptance" stage of grief eh? Man, do I have a long way to go if so. I wish to tell everyone who will listen, that there are NO GO - BACKS. Enjoy whats going on right NOW, cause you're gonna miss this.............
Im off to busy myself... I'll write more about the new grandbaby when I can.. I may be in route soon:)
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Yippee! We made it through Friday the 13th with no feared catastrophe's here! (doctor says my fears are normal part of grief, but truly, she says that about everything.)
We did lose a great journalist in Tim Russert. Very scary that he died at aged 58 of a major coronary. Makes one ponder eh? I have enjoyed his whimsical yet poignant personality on MEET THE PRESS for many years.
I had the pleasure of lunching with a fellow longarmer in Paso today. We had delicious spinach salads while chatting about quilting for a most enjoyable couple hours. Thanks June, lets do it again soon! HOWEVER..... you come here next time. I went form 95 degrees to 62 degrees in less than 10 minutes! Whoa.... how wierd is that? I came home to one whole wall done in the shop too! the design wall,with pegboard attached to either side. Im going to love that! 8 feet by 16 feet for right behind my lonesome Greta Gammil. I have yet to unpack a thing in there for fear of sawdusty particles and the like. I'll take pics when its done though:) My new studio space is 22x 20, so we are trying hard to make good use of space. Who knows if I will have a chance to paint...right now its a lovely shade of off white... YUK. I was thinking carribean blue..... what you think? Maybe I should post a contest...lol
OK, Im off to cook dinner. Walt has requested red meat, so its rib eyes on the grill, corn on the cob, baked potato, and a watermelon dessert... the second meal Ive actually prepared here..lol I still cant find anything either!!!
Have a nice Saturday, and a wonderful Fathers Day. I will be thinking of many tomorrow, and sending them all good stuff:)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Why do they say its unlucky anyway? Is it because Jesus was the 13th man ( 12 disciples) and he was crucified? Is it because there are 13 steps to the hangmans gallow? Because there are only 12 months in a year as opposed to ancient Mayas 13 month calendar? I think I'll google this!
I think its negative BS.
I have No room in my heart for anything negative. Therefore, I shall not let it in. Life is too short to have bad blood, and good relationships are important, and most nesesary in life. (my choice of which relationship) I dont have room in my heart for hating anyone, nor do I have room for those who would think ill of me. A good friend was quick to point that out. Thank you, ::wink:: Some people are more than willing to spew hateful and jealous things, and go right over the good in life. Some find it difficult to find the good, or think it NOT FUN to discuss good things. I find it difficult to discuss the bad, choosing a different path on my journey through life.It could end tomorrow you know, for any of us. Remember when I talked about not giving a rats ass if someone liked me or not? Choices was the post I think. So when I get upset about getting older, about my knee, or stairs... about losing my son like no one else in the world ever has... when someone makes a nasty comment.. or any other negative thing thrown at me, I refuse to let it in. I refuse to give it wings to fly.( ok I may have a nostril or 2 flare for a minute, but its short lived:) Life is REALLY too short, and people who live in glass houses, should never throw stones. I, just like everyone else on this planet, have some glass in my house.. I wont be throwing any stones.
PS: And then theres that pesky ole` Kharma thing..................
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I'm making lists all over the house (thanks 3M). Things that we need in certain places for the new humble abode. The list is long and via retail, unatainable for now. BUT>>>>>>
Hello Craigs list!!! I have found shelving for the shed, plastic boxes for the office, and im hunting down cabinetry for the new shop! And this is my favorite find so far! Its an Oak Secretary, petite enough for the corner of our upstairs living room, and a home for the laptop & accessories! Guess how much.. go ahead.. guess.... What u need more data to play the price is right??? K... solid oak, 4 years old, not a scratch or dent on it, felt lined drawer, dovetail joints, clawfoot legs! ( matches the curio eh!) $75.00 BUCKS WOOHOO!! What a steal I say! Now I need a good armless laptopy kind of chair cause this dining room chair cannot live there. So now, before blog visits, I hit craigslist general, then furniture.... what fun, and better than ebay! OK, I better move it... Walt is on a project that I'll show you soon... he is such a brainiac I tell u... he is making a vanity in the master, out of unused space from the top of the staircase! We have sacrificed quite a bit of storage space in this home, so we are on the case to be more organized:) Have a good day................G
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Bloom..... I told Tracy to get in the car, we are going exploring. I dropped the top on the car and jumped on 101 headed for SLO to shop only 12 miles from home as opposed to a 40 minute drive to Pismo. ( please note that this was AFTER the "FIND" at Marshalls...lol, sorry kids, this time it was a Giraffe for the home!) We had a good time and decided that theres much to be explored here, and damn, I need a bigger wallet. GRUNT. I need to get the shop up and running and get back to work!
If not for the PITA Stairs and compromised knee, this home is the coolest! Everywhere I look I have fun with the potential. I know that Walt too is contemplating blooming here too. Maybe it all boils down to being overwhelmed. I guess I could sum up several months with that word. Overwhelmed. So I pick up my coffee, and my knee as I ponder Walts encouraging words of the week. Do whats nessesary, do whats possible, and soon, you will be doing the impossible...
Monday, June 2, 2008
We are officially in ONE home today, not exactly settled, ( by a long shot) but one home is easier than 2 eh? As I said, walking in here isnt easy, but, its a process right? I was down in the shop this morning trying to find a needle , thread and a button... it was an act of congress!!! Imagine that... me unable to sew... a real tsk tsk tsker.... The weather is just gorgeous in the upper 60's with a sea breeze to sleep with. I havent had a spare hour to investigate the area yet, but its on the list. Walt is already mapping out fishing days. I did hit the cool Sushi House on the Embarcadero, and it was fantastic and authentic... Man theres lots to try down there....and the shopping? OMGGGGG!!!!!