Moments Take My Breath Away

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If we are to measure moments that take our breath away....I must count those meltdowns right? They indeed take my breath away. I try to be strong for my children who are also suffering, strong for my husband who only wishes to ease the pain, but I cant seem to get past my own broken heart much of the time.

I want so badly to write,but the pain that comes out of this brain is not even fit for print. I have been writing in private as not to scare the begeebies out of many of you.

I re - read this whole blog since it was born, and I think.... what a little happy ass I was.. taking moments for granted on an hourly basis. Know what? I like being happy, don't you? I miss my unbroken heart too Ronda.... I keep reading that sidebar over there.... Happiness is a choice. Grunt. I know I still have that choice, somewhere in me.

All of what I am made of is now minus one part. One part savagely amputated from my body. I have lost a limb. I know I am not the only one to endure such a loss. But I am Jamie's only Mother, and Jamie is 26 years worth of me. Do the math.... half of my life was spent nurturing this beautiful child of mine. 26 years of moments that took my breath away whether it was his illnesses, growth milestones, pre school, prairie days, mission trips, vacations, baseball, boy scouting, swimteam, church camp, teenage torture, or just plain ole everyday sillyness with his siblings, and everything inbetween that! Now... I am told he lives only in my heart? He is in a photo in a locket round my neck? This I cannot accept.

After having slept most of the week end away, Walt and I caught a sunset last evening. It was an amazing site as always. I sat on the beach and wondered where my son is. If he is ok, if he is suffering, or if he holds the hand of an angel....and if he knows the pain he left behind. Only one fourth of his life did he have with us. Cheated. Robbed of many years. This evokes so many emotions ranging from anger to sorrow all in a "take your breath away" moment. I look for him everywhere. In my dreams, in my waking hours, I still feel the need to fix it. I still feel the need to "wake up" from this horrific nightmare.

I recalled that at the exact time of his tragic death ,I was sitting on a little sand dune, watching a sunset 5000 miles from him without a clue that he was in danger. I felt guilty for being there, even though there was not a thing I could have done to prevent it.

I feel the love around me. I know the greatness of the moments yet to come. But the pain of this loss is sometimes unbearable. And the battle of the heart vs the mind lives another day. My mind KNOWS everything it should, but my heart will NOT listen.