2010 Pondering

The official new year begins when school resumes eh Moms? Now, I dont have school age kids, but I do have thier teacher! It makes me consider 2010. Its strange to even type that. I will be making plans throughout the year to keep myself focussed. There are so many things I would like to do it will be interesting to see which actually happened. Plans like getting to Montreal and a roadtrip with Blim... A family Christmas vacation untraditional. ( I know, shocker). MQS, Spring break, Oregon visit, adding a new family member, organizing photographs and fabrics..lol SO MANY THINGS! There is one I need more than anything, and I will begin next month.
I do not believe that I have properly grieved for the loss of my son. I need to work on that, for me, for mine. How might I do this you ask? Well.... Dragging out all of his clothes and making those quilts may be a good jumping off point. I have hauled them everywhere, covetting them as if I could be bringing him with me these last 2 years. Its not healthy the way I think, all to myself. Things that I see, hear, and even sometimes do. I wont get into my mentalness, but it has become clear to me that this woman needs more work. I NEED to get to a point where "they say" a smile comes with a mental memory of Jamie. Not tears, fears, and a plethera of emotions that rattle around inside me. This would scare anyone to read, so I will remain a bit evasive. Suffice to say that I see it, admit it, and will address it. I dont think that a family photo shoot in a cemetary would be a good idea, or happen anytime soon, so I will channel my thoughts in a different direction. I know that I have said this for nearly 2 years, and truth is, I will continue to say until it works! I shared with a friend that the last 2 years has seemed like some kind of purgatory of my own. Or 2 years of hell, masked by the tears of a clown.
There hasnt been a book, a song, a prayer, a chat, not a damn thing to get me through this. Is it because I havent done it myself? But I have! I have reached out, grabbed onto, changed things up, done all humanly possible, and still I have no peace. This Im sure you know isnt too good for a happy ass person that I USED to be!
I have no idea why I am rambling on this morning. Good coffee? Alone with thoughts? Heels of yet another horrid dream? ( yes, they are still here). I am still hopeful, optimistic, and will forge on. You poor blog readers who endure...lol thanks for listening, and when you ask me, I will say that I really AM OKAY. Okay? Maybe the quilt constructing will do the trick.