Push, Shove, Try! Gina! Try!

These are self talk words I am using almost every moment, about everything. My mind still a blurr, and even sometimes in disbelief. I have even convinced myself a time or two, that it was all untrue. Only to realize the reality, and fall all over again. I know that my thoughts are not straight, so bear with me as I TRY to do even this. WHY? Because a little piece of normalcy may help. I think.

The pic on the left is James, Jake and Aviana............

I went back to read Jamies birthday blogabout and it hit me that we go for a few months without seeing each other, and its ok......then i read old letters from me to him at church camp where it asks him the question of how will I go a whole week without you here?
I face the rest of my life without Jamie now, and it is nearly unbearable. I only add "nearly" because Im still alive!!!! How can this be?

His friends from school, our Pastor from church, all the family and friends from around the state were all walking and talking and moving about at the funeral reception, and I dont know where Jamie is. There was an empty chair, all over the rooms, where he should be sitting, laughing, joking with his brothers, and bouncing a nephew on his knee. But the reality was they were just empty chairs. ok... moving on....

I will try, I promise, to not depress all of you. I thought maybe if I write, I will survive... Not sure... Maybe that which I write, to GET OUT.......can no longer hurt me? I know... its all crap... its just painful no matter what.

Today, I push myself the hardest, having made my second pot of coffee in two days... woohoo... give her a brownie button... because today is my Walt's birthday. I feel so bad when I look into his eyes and see my own pain. He hurts so much for me and feels helpless. The Super Hero he loves to be, has Kryptonite round his neck. And u know what? I'm not even strong enough to help him. He has been such a rock. A pillar of strength to me, to the kids, to my family, even to Jamie's father. An amazing man he is. I must give him a rain check on baking his favorite German chocolate cake, and still he left this morning caring only about leaving me alone. ::sigh::

Again, for everyones support, no words to convey my gratitude. Much needed, much appreciated, much loved.