Monday, March 31, 2008

Spring Break Fun

So maybe they missed me cause they all showed up last Thursday for some fun in the sun:)
I think we covered it all.. ATV fun, Beach fun, dinner out, a little sewing, shopping for cell phones.. and yep... those tatoo's..grunt. I think we need to get a WII, so I can bowl more often! LOL... Good to have my family near:) Its just a tad bit easier to grieve, or maybe even remember... together...

Here's a few pics just to let you know I wasn't really missing for the week.. just busy with a demanding toddler, a teething baby, and their parents all having fun at Nonni's & Pappa's:) The weather's turning windy/chilly now, so I m glad we had outdoor fun before May Gray and June gloom arrive. As it was, in Oceano, the wind was nearly gale forced! (Walt ate lots of sand) hey... guess who babysat and took pictures? Ahuh.....

Poor Ginger is worn out!!.................. (too)::snicker::

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Easter Visiting Photos

Pappa and Aviana dying the eggs together....the goal was to make Pappas shirt:) Shawns first birthday cake... He didnt get to demolish the curious George cake.. and I forgot to take a pic of his funky monkey quilt!!!

Shawn and Jackson motoring around the property... looking at this gives me pause... ok, fear.

Shawn's walking now..... lookout! dang he is so smoochy cute:)

Daniel having fun with Easter basket

Grocery shopping with Dad.... Oh Man..... He cant hear a darn thing, so the entire store was regalled with his grocery list to Gina.Then.................he had his motor full speed seemingly chasing me around the store! I was busy filling my own cart and trying to hide?

I made it home in time for a sunset with Walt, with 30 minutes to spare for a good cuppa coffee and American Idol... I was just thrilled with a few of the contestants, especially David Cooks rendition of Billy jean.. did you see it?

As I said yesterday... something changed... I felt stronger. Sad, but less empty... is that even possible? I took a few pics at the cemetary, but I cannot look at them yet. I guess I missed alot of family pics... I need to strap that camera to my hip!
The air that I breath....thinner, but still here.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Do You See What I See?

My plan worked brilliantly. I hit the road and drove a bazillion miles again.... just filling up some voids. I spent Easter with my kids/grandkids.. then off to my Parents where I cared for them in a record breaking 6 hours of cleaning cooking and chatting. I drove even further to my Sis and kids, to get my fix there too. I did the cemetary twice just to tell Jamie what I was up to, and thought maybe he could help out? I figured if I just kept driving to my needs, I would be.... OKAY. I just feel wierd.
I did come home feeling a bit stronger, a little "fed" so to speak. Its kinda like that tulip to the left....change channel...

The stretch between the coast and valley is breathtakingly beautiful in spring. Since they are widening the James Dean Highway there, it takes a long time and a great deal of patience to get through the construction work. It helps to have some licorice Jelly Bellies, and a camera. ( Oh, and Jamies Playlist in the CD player.)The rolling hills are alive with color.. its an amazing drive... Theres just got to be a quilt in here somewhere right? So I guess I see Moss green in my stash buiding excercises when I get back to them...
I have a few shots for you, and later I'll get other camera unloaded and bore you with kids:::wink:::

Friday, March 21, 2008

Anniversary Blog

I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to this blog this morning:) A very nice reader emailed it to my attention, along with encouraging words. Thank you. I was pretty amazed myself, that it has been a year already, and has grown so much. Its sure been a ride hasnt it Dear blog readers? Thanks for coming on the journey with me.
I did my middle of the night walk and re-read the whole year. Just amazing the history that comes from a little morning coffee blog.
I hope that everyone enjoys thier Easter holiday. I am trying to make a plan myself.. Plans are good.... I will leave you with a word of encouragement from Judy. I printed it, and stuck it in my pocket.... a darn good one Judy, Thank you:)

I hope that this weekend brings you a resurrection of a piece of your joy. That you are surrounded by family and friends, sunshine and smiles. And that a small still part of your heart finds some comfort in the stillness.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Am I Okay?

I begin every morning, and end everyday with this question. I ask it of myself, I ask Walt. I ask Ginger, Rudy, and Jamie. Now depending on who I have asked...... You understand eh? Walt always says " You are fine Babe, you are going to be fine". Ginger cocks her head to one side as if to say, I dunno, but I sure do love you lots Ma". Rudy invariably answers with an "ITS OKAY".. every single time. When I ask Jamie, I hear nothing. I feel nothing but pain. Sometimes, a wave of pain that wont let me breathe. After a few minutes of non breathing fear, I choke and Big Sur type tears begin again. Often times in the cold mid night I wake up screaming without vocal chords.... I cant describe it well... I wont tell you the dreams as I cannot. But I must get up to wonder aimlessly looking for something that just isn't there. I have taken to writing ( go figure) in the wee hours when I dance with these demons, on fabric. I have journal-ed what may or not be my thoughts since the day Jamie left us. Left me. Yes me. I feel selfish enough to say it. He LEFT ME. I wasn't done loving him yet! I didn't dance at his wedding. I didn't cuddle, smooch, and love up his blue eyed daughter, who would have looked just like Mamy. There are so many things I feel cheated out of, and he being cheated out of life himself. What you think.. 50 years or more? Robbed of. And for what.... change channel....

Of course I have no idea what I'm doing with this primitive piece of art, however, it does put my mind to pen and fabric so someday it may very well represent my tag line.. "A Stitch In Time Saves My Mind". AGAIN.
I have the first month assembled into a calendar. As I said, its very primitive, but it was....IS... through the fire so to speak. I think that I will continue with it, in hopes that one day he will answer me. Talk to me. Tell me why this had to happen. Tell me where he is, how he is.
Maybe I'll be buried with it. I dunno.... change the channel.

This morning, Rudy said It's Okay. He is singing to the swallows who are coming home this month. I want to sing to. I can't find my voice either.

Here is February Calendar... March is still in strips all over the longarm...some are in nickels on the floor.. tear blotted, smudged and not legible.. ::shaking head::

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Remoting Myself

I have an automatic remote control button on board these days. I change the channels often.. sometimes I have to run through 900 channels, before stopping on a good one. A Positive one. Its amazing what the mind can do, good and bad. It's amazing how the body reacts TO this awesome mind work. I cannot believe the pain one can experience internally.

This channel changing seems to work well most times... until you try to sleep. Then throw all control out the proverbial window... cause I am SO NOT IN CONTROL OF THE REMOTE ANYMORE. Ok... zzzzzit.. changing now.

This week end, I remoted ALOT. My daughter and family came down to check on me. Helped around the house, and kept me changing channels. I tried very hard to quilt a funky monkey for my grandsons first birthday. I loaded the back, it was too small.. How did this happen? I unpinned and pieced together backing borders, and its over there waiting for a reload. His birthday is Friday... GRUNT. So we went shopping... a little retail therapy. Before I knew it, 3 hours had passed, and my cart was full. I had grand kid clothes parties for 3 solid hours... I decided, this was a good thing... I need more money to do this more often. OH.. that would require me going to work right? K.... sheesh....I'll make another list. Do you know Ive made list daily and I just look at them? I'm just lost me thinks. Just lost.

Nothing can change a channel like Aviana can. She is a high maintenance almost 3 year old. She wants what she wants... ( her saying, not mine). She usually wants..............all ya got. And the heart of life, is good:)

Heres a pic to leave you with, I'm off to make a list, and actually implement said list, as I have a real live customer scheduled in today. I decided that if I complete just HALF of the list, I will reward myself with a long overdue manicure, as my pretty nails resemble Cruella De Ville these days.... Ewwwwwww

Keep praying, and OMGoodness, thank you for those prayers, calls, cards, and lil "i'm thinking of u gifts.... I dont know HOW I'm getting through this, but you sure help:)
Blima, just seeing your writing, felt so good for a minute... Karen A, u made me smile, Heather, I had a wave of comfort flood me when I heard your voice. Tracye... cherished:) Thank you Jane, Diane, for your perfect timing "thwart off a full on meltdown" calls.... Everyone, so many thanks.. I never knew how much I need others love n care. And my Walt sends thanks too, for helping Him:::wink:::

Monday, March 10, 2008

Moments Take My Breath Away

(clickable pic)

If we are to measure moments that take our breath away....I must count those meltdowns right? They indeed take my breath away. I try to be strong for my children who are also suffering, strong for my husband who only wishes to ease the pain, but I cant seem to get past my own broken heart much of the time.

I want so badly to write,but the pain that comes out of this brain is not even fit for print. I have been writing in private as not to scare the begeebies out of many of you.
I re - read this whole blog since it was born, and I think.... what a little happy ass I was.. taking moments for granted on an hourly basis. Know what? I like being happy, don't you? I miss my unbroken heart too Ronda.... I keep reading that sidebar over there.... Happiness is a choice. Grunt. I know I still have that choice, somewhere in me.
All of what I am made of is now minus one part. One part savagely amputated from my body. I have lost a limb. I know I am not the only one to endure such a loss. But I am Jamie's only Mother, and Jamie is 26 years worth of me. Do the math.... half of my life was spent nurturing this beautiful child of mine. 26 years of moments that took my breath away whether it was his illnesses, growth milestones, pre school, prairie days, mission trips, vacations, baseball, boy scouting, swimteam, church camp, teenage torture, or just plain ole everyday sillyness with his siblings, and everything inbetween that! Now... I am told he lives only in my heart? He is in a photo in a locket round my neck? This I cannot accept.

After having slept most of the week end away, Walt and I caught a sunset last evening. It was an amazing site as always. I sat on the beach and wondered where my son is. If he is ok, if he is suffering, or if he holds the hand of an angel....and if he knows the pain he left behind. Only one fourth of his life did he have with us. Cheated. Robbed of many years. This evokes so many emotions ranging from anger to sorrow all in a "take your breath away" moment. I look for him everywhere. In my dreams, in my waking hours, I still feel the need to fix it. I still feel the need to "wake up" from this horrific nightmare.

I recalled that at the exact time of his tragic death ,I was sitting on a little sand dune, watching a sunset 5000 miles from him without a clue that he was in danger. I felt guilty for being there, even though there was not a thing I could have done to prevent it.

I feel the love around me. I know the greatness of the moments yet to come. But the pain of this loss is sometimes unbearable. And the battle of the heart vs the mind lives another day. My mind KNOWS everything it should, but my heart will NOT listen.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

It's Gonna Be Alright

A new song:

It's Gonna Be All Right ©

It will never be OK…but it's gonna be all right

Yeah It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it's gonna be all right .

1. And when those moments happen…and all the darkness seems like it’s night

2. And in those momentous moments…and all the blackness shows no light

3. And if those moments happen…where your heart just don’t want to fight

It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but you are gonna be all right

In all my days and selfish ways taking for granted the life I own

I looked upon the path I was on and didn’t realize how I’d grown

And in a flash of crimson ash and blackness I’d never known

I got the call that ended it all as I dropped the phone like a stone

I thought I knew what hurt could do until I heard that you had died

I never knew the depth that grew from knowing you’d never again be by my side

If I’d known I’d be on my own and living life without you

I’m not so sure that I could cure the sinking feeling of despair which grew

But in the light that I’d be right if I learned to live with love anew

I saw the fact that I’d attract the life that God gave me in real truth

I can never be so clever as to pretend that I will be the same

My life has changed and rearranged my portrait in my tear stained frame

But we are the chosen ones who have to take the lead

To tell the luckiest ones if not for those who really have the need

To rise above and live with love that passes through our hearts

And mending all those broken lives by telling where our story starts

Doc Mompean 2008,

Thank you Sarah Bears Dad, now send me the melody, so I can sing it:)

Friday, March 7, 2008

Time Marches On

Everyone want to shed a few more tears? Tears of sorrow, tears of joy? Tears of truly bewilderment?

OK, I' have enough for all of us, so lets move on......

My youngest, Jake ( whom I now live in fear of losing every second of every day.. I dunno, I just do) and his wife Stephanie, you all know them from previous posts as Steak~N~Jeff..... (Shawn was born last year) announced they are having a baby girl in July, and her name will be Jamie Elaine, in honor of her late Uncle James. ::insert tears::
Life is still blazing a path isnt it you guys? I wonder how this can be? Now this fills me with about a thousand more questions in my already screwed up head, but I wont go down that road. I just wanted to share a real head scratcher, and try to write without having a full on meltdown. Done deal. I did it.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

How does one get back IN the saddle anyway?

I've been told that I must try to get back in the saddle. Where IS the saddle? Is there a ladder?

Does this horse go on auto pilot?

OK, I have been sitting here over an hour, backspacing some pretty painful things, so I will move on and just show you what has indeed been accomplished. Maybe tomorrow.......................You all remember the Silk? Its beautiful, and stainfree.

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