Tuesday, February 26, 2008

High School Graduation

Hey, doesnt this look like a pushy Mom to you? "C'mon... smile for the nice man Jamie....."
He has always been so beautiful. Even as a baby, people would stop me while strolling to say what a pretty lil girl I had there.
The middle child, and most compliant of four, James has always been the peacemaker in the family. I have so much turmoil going on now, I want so badly for him to call one of the kids up and tell them to knock it off. I find myself calling his cell phone repeatedly just to hear his voice on his answering machine. I know one day, even that will be gone, and once again I will fall. I'm not sleeping well... the dreams wont stop, good and bad. The doctor gave me pills for this, but it hasnt done the trick. The dreams are mostly fearful, and I have never experianced that before either. Maybe I need more pills.
My sister Kelly came last evening, She will stay a few days. I think the troops are scheduling shifts. I am grateful. We will see how much I can accomplish with her today. I have a huge steamer trunk yet to be gone through of photographs, and I know theres a box somewhere with Jamies quilts inside.. I just cant seem to find them.... either.
Not sure if his pics and his music help me yet... I think they do. It might just be me grasping whatever I can of him. Guess what else I found? He brought me a quilt last summer. all wool squares, tied and tattered. He said "Ma? can you restore this for me? I have really beat it up in the last few years." He had been given this quilt by a girlfriends Mother in Michigan while he was doing his concert lighting job. Of course I said sure Jamie... if you dont mind waiting awhile. The quilt has since been taken apart down to the top... and now the some of the blocks need replacing. I think I will finish it and give to his father who is in his truck much of the time. I'm sure he will cherish it for James.
How do I do this? How can I go on?.......... I cant think about that right now, I'll go crazy if I do. ( anyone know what movie this line came from?)
Im taking your good thoughts, prayers and cares with me to get ready for today.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Push, Shove, Try! Gina! Try!

These are self talk words I am using almost every moment, about everything. My mind still a blurr, and even sometimes in disbelief. I have even convinced myself a time or two, that it was all untrue. Only to realize the reality, and fall all over again. I know that my thoughts are not straight, so bear with me as I TRY to do even this. WHY? Because a little piece of normalcy may help. I think.
The pic on the left is James, Jake and Aviana............
I went back to read Jamies birthday blogabout and it hit me that we go for a few months without seeing each other, and its ok......then i read old letters from me to him at church camp where it asks him the question of how will I go a whole week without you here?
I face the rest of my life without Jamie now, and it is nearly unbearable. I only add "nearly" because Im still alive!!!! How can this be?
His friends from school, our Pastor from church, all the family and friends from around the state were all walking and talking and moving about at the funeral reception, and I dont know where Jamie is. There was an empty chair, all over the rooms, where he should be sitting, laughing, joking with his brothers, and bouncing a nephew on his knee. But the reality was they were just empty chairs. ok... moving on....
I will try, I promise, to not depress all of you. I thought maybe if I write, I will survive... Not sure... Maybe that which I write, to GET OUT.......can no longer hurt me? I know... its all crap... its just painful no matter what.

Today, I push myself the hardest, having made my second pot of coffee in two days... woohoo... give her a brownie button... because today is my Walt's birthday. I feel so bad when I look into his eyes and see my own pain. He hurts so much for me and feels helpless. The Super Hero he loves to be, has Kryptonite round his neck. And u know what? I'm not even strong enough to help him. He has been such a rock. A pillar of strength to me, to the kids, to my family, even to Jamie's father. An amazing man he is. I must give him a rain check on baking his favorite German chocolate cake, and still he left this morning caring only about leaving me alone. ::sigh::

Again, for everyones support, no words to convey my gratitude. Much needed, much appreciated, much loved.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Thank You All

I havent many words just yet, but I need to let all of you know how important your caring for me is. I am truly blessed, I know this. Thank you all for your prayers and comforting words.My eldest son Kelly is out of danger, walking, talking, and breathing. We buried our son James on Wednesday, and I am not sure that I will ever walk, talk, breath, or be out of danger in my mind, body, or spirit. I'm trying, really I am. We are all trying. Thank you so much for your continued support. I know that my friends and family carry me now, and I am most humbly grateful.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Update on our Gina

This is Heather (SarahBear's mom)

Just wanted to tell each of you again, how thankful G is for all your support, well wishes, love, and prayers.

The services for Jamie were yesterday and today she and Walt are headed back to their home on the coast. Please keep sending her your love and support and know that she will be here as soon as she is able.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Just a note of thanks...

Hiya folks...I am writing for G.

I am Heather's husband Kim... The Sarah Bears dad. Heather & I were w/Walt & G when they got that terrible phone call.

Gina has asked us to communicate to everyone on her behalf. G wants everyone to know how much she, Walt, & the rest of their family appreciate all the calls, notes, prayers, & well wishes from everyone.

This, as you all can imagine, is an extremely difficult time. Gina is doing as well as to be expected. Walt has been a really big support for her & has been great through this. Please keep those prayers and good thoughts & feelings coming for them both and for the extended family as well. She just wants you all to know that she appreciates you and is thankful for all of your support. I am absolutely sure (knowing G) that she will be back here once she is able to.

Thank you again and may God bless us all...but give a little extra strength to Gina, Walt, & all their family at this time.

Friday, February 8, 2008

TGIF & Hasta La Vista! I Mean.. ALOHA!!!

Mornin.... Am I ready? I don't think soooooooooooooooooooooo
But, I will be! I must make ready for rudys house sitter this morning, ok, and do a 3 page list... then I'm ready.

I am on my second try with cornstarch on the silk. NO Go. I finished quilting it, and now treating it. I will try baby shampoo next. OK, and blowing it out with my air compressor. Can u get a visual of me tank in hand doing battle with a 108 inch long quilt, half off frame, goggles on... music blasting the theme song, I GET KNOCKED DOWN....., hair flyin? THAT would be me. I think Carla has a new cartoon right there u know? LMAO!!!
I'm having some issues with oil it would seem.... maybe its the law of attraction at it again.... I opened a new jar of peanut butter this morning (making Walt the 5 am sammich) and all down the front of my new TEE shirt is peanut butter oil!!!! ( can I hear a big awwwww?) Can u flippin believe this? So, off I go sputtering obscenities to the paper towel roll, and let me tell you this... BOUNTY IS NOT the quicker picker upper!! What a bunch of Hooie that is. Grunt.
Speaking of the law of attraction... I've been thinking.... as I looked at one of my vision boards this morning, it occured to me that everything on it, I come within inches/minutes, of success... almost down to the exact pictures...( well, except for that FAT Tacori diamond ring and bird aviary cage) and then.. POOF... they escape me. I MUST be doing something wrong. Now frankly, you may not know what the heck I'm talking about, but for many years I have practiced positive thinking, and DOING. Not really accepting NO for an answer. ( Follow your Bliss) It works for me.... Just again, who I am. I have practiced the SECRET, long before anyone was reading the book! But in the past several months, I have noticed that some things in particular, are just out of reach in accomplishment. I was discussing this very thing with Mufasa a few weeks ago, and he gave me an AHAAAAA moment. He said to me " What if.... your energy, attractions... are in direct conflict with mine?" This makes perfect sense to me. Now what do I do? For me, I must still rope the moon so to speak, but we arent on the same page? This bothers me. ALOT. I will be pondering this while I'm away this week.
Not sure yet if my laptop is tagging along. I hate lugging it as a carry on, but maybe Walt will? LOL If not, I'll be quilting/blogging in my head, from afar!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Silk Restoration/Remodel

Look how beautiful its turning out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now look at what I've done..............

Yes, its a giant machine oil spot! I dont know how it got there? all is clean on table hehind? I need ideas to get it out. I am afraid to try SEW CLEAN, or water even? All went well with disassembly, All went well with reconstruction. I was careful.... but then I saw this when advancing back and forth.
I'm going to get more coffee and stare at it some more, hoping that the sheer force of my will will make it GO AWAY NOW!!!
Then of course I'll wake up and bawl

Monday, February 4, 2008

MM & Travel Reports

I'm home and I'm getting too old for this crap! THATS a long trip....IN WIND DRIVEN RAIN!
I feel pretty much like I've been chewed up and spit out u know? But I'll recover.... right?
The week end was one of the fastest and most draining that I can recall.
First let me say this. FRANKI VALLE IS HELLA OLD! And the 4 Seasons? They are young!!!!!
Yep yep yep, he got him some new spry seasons:) As long as I focussed on them, and the music, I was fine! If my eyes wandered back to Franki, I just cringed and thought NOOOOO this isnt right, cant be??????Come on!!! With every falseto note the man pushed in his groin!!!! STOP THAT!!! My Mother was incredulous! she said Dad loooked younger at 80, (and I laughed to myself at the thought of Dad belting our those songs at his age.) I loved all of the music though, it was a great nostalgic journey!
I enjoyed my Gr Baby girl so much! We went to Sushi and she impressed me with her love for the dishes, all of them! She was a perfect angel and her appetite scared me a little! lol I think its genetic...lol
My Ginger is staying with Aunt Kelly for a few weeks for the Hawaii trip, I miss her already. She has border collies to play with, and a couple slappy cats that really dont like her much? Poor Ginny....
I'll be making ready for the trip this week, in between quilts, OF COURSE! Hey! Speaking of... both the customs were well recieved and I do so love to see happy customers up there!
Upon my arrival home, tired, deshevled, road weary....I was greeted by a cute lil reveal package from my secret quilting sister!!!! I was so excited, inside I jumped while my body fell into the corner of the sofa....lol Thank You Gretchen for a most enjoyable 6 months of fun from you! I love the chicken pin cusion, it smells heavenly! But I gotta tell ya woman..... the last line, expect something SHINY in the mail? HOLY crap do you know what happens to me with these words? I feel like a 6 year old!! WHAT IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????????????????????LMAO!!!!
I love this SS game, and boy, I have a wonderful new friend! LYG!!!!!!
I'm off to work, have a great Momday!!

  • Secret Sisters
  • good road gripper tires to dodge sage brush
  • being strong, mind, body, spirit
  • Avi, kiss me right here:)
  • homecoming to Rudy screaming WOW!!!!! I LOVE YOU!(who is now regalling me with Herb alpert and the tijuana brass, TEQUILLA!
  • freezer foods so I dont have to cook when im weak..lol
  • happy customers

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