Monday, February 25, 2008

Push, Shove, Try! Gina! Try!


These are self talk words I am using almost every moment, about everything. My mind still a blurr, and even sometimes in disbelief. I have even convinced myself a time or two, that it was all untrue. Only to realize the reality, and fall all over again. I know that my thoughts are not straight, so bear with me as I TRY to do even this. WHY? Because a little piece of normalcy may help. I think.
The pic on the left is James, Jake and Aviana............
I went back to read Jamies birthday blogabout and it hit me that we go for a few months without seeing each other, and its ok......then i read old letters from me to him at church camp where it asks him the question of how will I go a whole week without you here?
I face the rest of my life without Jamie now, and it is nearly unbearable. I only add "nearly" because Im still alive!!!! How can this be?
His friends from school, our Pastor from church, all the family and friends from around the state were all walking and talking and moving about at the funeral reception, and I dont know where Jamie is. There was an empty chair, all over the rooms, where he should be sitting, laughing, joking with his brothers, and bouncing a nephew on his knee. But the reality was they were just empty chairs. ok... moving on....
I will try, I promise, to not depress all of you. I thought maybe if I write, I will survive... Not sure... Maybe that which I write, to GET OUT.......can no longer hurt me? I know... its all crap... its just painful no matter what.


Today, I push myself the hardest, having made my second pot of coffee in two days... woohoo... give her a brownie button... because today is my Walt's birthday. I feel so bad when I look into his eyes and see my own pain. He hurts so much for me and feels helpless. The Super Hero he loves to be, has Kryptonite round his neck. And u know what? I'm not even strong enough to help him. He has been such a rock. A pillar of strength to me, to the kids, to my family, even to Jamie's father. An amazing man he is. I must give him a rain check on baking his favorite German chocolate cake, and still he left this morning caring only about leaving me alone. ::sigh::

Again, for everyones support, no words to convey my gratitude. Much needed, much appreciated, much loved.

22 comments:

Vicki W said...

Gina, it's so good to hear from you. I don't have a clue what you are going through. I just know that it's impossibly hard. You won't get back to where you were. You will go in other directions now and that's OK. This post shows that you are making progress getting there. You cyber-friends are all thinking of you.

Desert Threads said...

You done good girl!! You blogged, and that's a step in the right direction.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALT!!!

Gayle said...

Good for you Gina. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One step at a time. And some backwards steps are normal too.

I think writing helps. And Walt... what a good guy. And happy birthday to him... with or without cake!

Be well....
Gayle

myolivebranch said...

happy b-day walt. gina, push, shove, baby steps, backward steps, it's all okay. we're here for you.

Yvonne said...

It's a start Gina....one little step at a time. We're here rooting you on. Continued thoughts and prayers.

Happy Birthday Walt!

Gretchen said...

I am so glad to see that you are here, that is real progress. When times get impossibly hard for me I try to remember that nothing stays the same - ever. No telling which way things will go, but they will and do change. Somehow, this gives me hope.

Happy Birthday Walt!

threadtales said...

Happy b-day, Walt!

Gina, I just don't have words for you. Please know I am thinking about you and your family everyday..........
TerriW

Rian said...

We're all thinking about you, all pulling for you as you find your way back to some sort of reality. All in good time. It's a nice day today (I live in AG too), the sky is blue, the hills are emerald green, and the buds are on the trees.

Feather on a Wire said...

Much love,
Sally

The Sarah Bear said...

ME LOVE YOU

The Sarah Bear said...

ME LOVE YOU

Diana said...

I for one am relieved to see you blogging. I am so sad for you and have been thinking of you non stop for days. This is the hardest thing but you HAVE TO KNOW you are loved by many. Lean on your friends and family. YOU don't have to be super woman and you have every right to be mad and sad and talk as much or as little as you want to. Praying for you still. I wish you love and peace.
Diana

Deb said...

Good job! Every step you take, moves you forward. I don't think you'll ever be the same, but that's OK...I'm so happy you're making the move. We are all here for you.

Happy birthday Walt...thank you for taking care of Gina.

Cheryl L said...

Good for you, Gina--One moment, one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family--still.

Dianah said...

G you are amazing!!! I am glad to see you here. Love you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALT!!!

Dy

Mary said...

I want to comment but I just don't know what to say. I hope writing about your pain and loss helps.

I love the photos of Jamie in your blog header even though they make me cry for you.

Kim said...

Oh, Gina, I'm glad you felt up to blogging, and I'm sure none of us expects you to blog happy thoughts. My heart aches for your loss--your loss is something I just can't imagine. I lost my father last April, but that's nothing compared to what I imagine the loss of a child would be. I'm so glad to hear your other son, Kelly, is improving. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Gina, Dear Gina,

Don't ever say that your feelings or thoughts are "all crap!" You will feel so many different emotions right now and that is OK. Don't fight it, go with it, and eventually you will move forward...teeny, tiny steps at a time. We are all here for you and don't expect you to be perky right now. You will...give it time....be smiling one day and amaze yourself. Give yourself all the time you need and keep blogging all you have to say...we love ya!

BeckyP

Anonymous said...

I was so glad to see your blog this morning. I hope this will be a good place for you to "pour it out". I continue to pray that God will comfort you as only HE can.
Marnie

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see you writing, Gina. I think of you all the time and hope you are doing ok.

Tina C.

Anonymous said...

Dear Gina, my heart hurts so much for you and Walt. Sending you my love. TeresaL

Nancy H, http://gomomma.wordpress.com/ said...

Sometimes blogging does help. If you change your mind there is always 'delete'. It is so nice to see you in our arena again. Your missed! As Bill Murray (Bob) said, "baby steps, baby steps". I hope that makes you smile. :)

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