Thursday, March 20, 2008

Am I Okay?

I begin every morning, and end everyday with this question. I ask it of myself, I ask Walt. I ask Ginger, Rudy, and Jamie. Now depending on who I have asked...... You understand eh? Walt always says " You are fine Babe, you are going to be fine". Ginger cocks her head to one side as if to say, I dunno, but I sure do love you lots Ma". Rudy invariably answers with an "ITS OKAY".. every single time. When I ask Jamie, I hear nothing. I feel nothing but pain. Sometimes, a wave of pain that wont let me breathe. After a few minutes of non breathing fear, I choke and Big Sur type tears begin again. Often times in the cold mid night I wake up screaming without vocal chords.... I cant describe it well... I wont tell you the dreams as I cannot. But I must get up to wonder aimlessly looking for something that just isn't there. I have taken to writing ( go figure) in the wee hours when I dance with these demons, on fabric. I have journal-ed what may or not be my thoughts since the day Jamie left us. Left me. Yes me. I feel selfish enough to say it. He LEFT ME. I wasn't done loving him yet! I didn't dance at his wedding. I didn't cuddle, smooch, and love up his blue eyed daughter, who would have looked just like Mamy. There are so many things I feel cheated out of, and he being cheated out of life himself. What you think.. 50 years or more? Robbed of. And for what.... change channel....

Of course I have no idea what I'm doing with this primitive piece of art, however, it does put my mind to pen and fabric so someday it may very well represent my tag line.. "A Stitch In Time Saves My Mind". AGAIN.
I have the first month assembled into a calendar. As I said, its very primitive, but it was....IS... through the fire so to speak. I think that I will continue with it, in hopes that one day he will answer me. Talk to me. Tell me why this had to happen. Tell me where he is, how he is.
Maybe I'll be buried with it. I dunno.... change the channel.

This morning, Rudy said It's Okay. He is singing to the swallows who are coming home this month. I want to sing to. I can't find my voice either.

Here is February Calendar... March is still in strips all over the longarm...some are in nickels on the floor.. tear blotted, smudged and not legible.. ::shaking head::

7 comments:

The Sarah Bear said...

Even in the midst of pain, anger, and sadness... you are such an amazing writer. Thank you for sharing you with me. Every time I read your words... I get a small, small inkling of the pain you are in. Ouch. But equally noted Gina, is your strength. I celebrate, rejoice, and praise my God for your abilities. Do you ever stop teaching me? I don't think so.

Change channel.

I'm a little pissy today. It started at 6:30am when I applied my mascara. Fresh, lots, thick.. then just as I took the wand from my eye... I sneezed. I HATE THAT! And so the day began... I think you can still see the smear marks... and I don't care.

Happy Thursday! Love you!

Nancy H, http://gomomma.wordpress.com/ said...

I know right now you may not be able to touch him, but I feel he is with you. He's the twinkle in your eye, the song in your heart. One of the wonderful gifts you have given him was your time & love. He had you for his entire time here, although short, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted to live a moment without you in his life. {{{Hugs}}}

That Rudy is a smart guy!!!

Carol said...

Your words of grief are so sad, but so necessary. I wish it weren't so, but you know about wishes. The fabric calendar is filled with love. Sending my love and continued prayers to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I love what you are doing! I kept a journal when I was extremely depressed...two actually. I ahve not gone back to read them again yet. I still don't feel strong enough to go back to that place in my life but I certainly understand the need to put it down in words. You need to keep some of the tear soaked ones too...for remembering all of it. I truly feel my journals were a great outlet for me. Somedays I would only write "I'm OK today" and others I would wrtie the day out in detail. Hang in there and keep telling yourself "tomorrow is another day and I WILL get through it". I call this the Scarlet O'Hara Effect...LOL....Or sometimes I say "I'll think about that tomorrow" if I don't think I'm ready today. Now click click...new channel is working really good for me...thanks for the pshychological help....yes...you have been helping me out tremendously with your writings as well...thanks....smile once a day even if forced..it helps...with facial wrinkles anyway!!! LOL Take care today...
BeckyP

Smiles! Becca said...

However you journal I think it is a good idea. Putting down in thoughts the pain will help you deal with it. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.I send you cyber ones everyday.You are never out of my thoughts.
Luv YA, Becca

Sharon Dixon said...

Yes, you are okay. You are coping and that's all that can be expected of you. You have proven in the past that you are a survivor and you will do it again. I'm pulling for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh pooh...I typed a comment (kind of on the long side) and it did not show up...perhaps it wasn't meant to...I did forget to click on one of the radio dials below.

Just know you are in my thoughts and keep journaling...I too have experience with that and know that it does soothe...I just had to let it happen. You are and will be OK...

Big Hugs

Karen A.

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