Saturday, November 1, 2008

Super Munz-& Grands

I cant help it. All kids love Halloween and Jamie was no exception. He was shy and sweet and pushed by his siblings, but happily so.
I took my shower this morning after blogging. I felt victorious for having staved off a mini meltdown. Then it hit me. THIS picture, This face. His careful coy smiles as adults coo'd him. Even at the funeral services I watched people pointing at this picture and smiling. ( that was a freaking killer) He would stick close to "Sissy" every chance he got, he wanted to be assertive like his older brother, but clearly was not. He loved the church carnival best of all. ( he didnt have to ASK for
Some say ( and I wont say who) WHY do you mourn the loss of this small child? He was an adult, he left this age/stage a very long time ago. I have pondered this as a Mother, then as someone outside of my body looking at this pitiful person. I have an answer. Because everytime I see this man, kiss this man, hug this man, chat with this man, I see THIS boy. my mind flashes to one part or another of a time in his young life. The adult self in front of me isnt as important, doesnt matter as much as all of the years it took to GET to this stage. When I looked at James, I saw Jamie. I saw the journey!! I have made myself mindful of the way I "think" when I see my other grown children. A test. YEP YEP YEP... sure enough, I flash with certain smiles, a look, an action, and I see the youngster. Is this normal??? I called Mom and asked her if she sees me or Kelly this way. I was validated when she said, "are you kidding Gina? I'm talking to that inquisitive little brat right now!" ( thanks Ma) (its actually not as bad as her calling me the "interrogator" which was often!)
Whether it was a month or several between visits, Jamie always came home. He never could bare to be away for holidays. I never worried too much because I knew that he was safe, and that he would be home soon. I kept prayer covers over him, and so did Ma. We had Yahoo, e-mail, cell phones, texting.. I was really, always certain that everything was just fine.
As I stepped into the shower and had these thoughts, I also had the OMFG could this really be true? Is it true? Did it really happen?Wait! Lets think about this. ( this happens to me often) Once again, I go down. I hear my daughters voice on the phone. I feel my insides erupt, I hear Sarah asking me if I need a bandaid, I see the horror on the face of everyone around me. I see the entire funeral speed through my mind like a freightrain, but leaving nothing out. It always ends with holding his long beautiful cold hands trying to say goodbye, trying not to die, as I realize it really is true. It really is. I must say that screaming aloud for the loss of this boy, this man, comes less often. However screaming inside, a howling gut wrenching OH NO IT IS TRUE scream, comes more frequently. I dont understand this at all. I dont understand how I can be so disturbed and yet so victorious at the same time??? I mean who gives a crap about the election, the stores closing, the stock market, the holidays!!! I want a GO BACK!!!!!!I need to fix this! It must be the Sybil in me.
Theres no GO BACKS I'm afraid, and lifes to precious and frail to be taken so lightly and just "think" everones okay. Lesson learned, but look at THAT price tag. Now if I can just teach myself to care without flipping out about every little thing. Lifes tough, I've always thought myself tougher. Maybe I was wrong, but I have hope that I am right.

Sybil Speak
If you have made it this far, you will be happy to hear that I made it through, waiting for grand baby pictures. Stuck my head so far into sewing nothing could hurt me? Finally these arrived, which thrilled me. I now await Jakes Babies!!! Come on Jake!


Anonymous said...

omg mom...i was trying to study. when will this suffering end

Sharon Dixon said...

Gina, my heart aches for you. I nearly flipped when I saw the picture of Jamie as Superman. He looks so much like my youngest grandson who I have always thought was the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen. Jamie gives him a run for his money. How can your heart not hurt for this beautiful boy and the young man he grew up to be? I guess that sounds silly....your heart would hurt just as much if he wasn't this beautiful, wouldn't it?

Yvonne said...

I had no doubt that you would make it through....

Mary said...

(((((Some say ( and I wont say who) WHY do you mourn the loss of this small child? He was an adult, he left this age/stage a very long time ago.))))))

I can't imagine that this comment came from a mother. I haven't lost my boys but even today as young men, ALL the photos of them remain part of the whole *picture* I carry of them with me.

I am so sorry, again, for your loss and completely understand how a photo like this of your beautiful son can break your heart.

Deb said...

a mother's babies will ALWAYS be her babies... I don't care how old they get.

We all grieve in our own way...there is no right or wrong. It's all apart of this journey. Be strong when you can, and let your loved ones and friends carry you when you can't.

And, we all have a little sybil in us (;-)

The grands are cute as buttons!

The Sarah Bear said...

I love you sis... I am so sorry you ache - it breaks my heart. He should be here so you can throw a shoe at him and I could chuckle.

I love you.

Anonymous said...

Your journey (like everyone's journey) will have many twists and turns. Some people's paths take a gentler route, while others are much more treacherous. Who's to say which journey is better or sweeter.

Perhaps the more treacherous one provides more intense moments of pain and pleasure. We have no choice but to continue on.

However, you do not travel alone. Never alone, though it might feel that way at times.

You are in the thoughts and prayers of many. As Deb says, let them carry you in times of despair.


Anonymous said...

It's a bit like a fizzy drink. Memories are the bump in the road & it foams up & overflows. Then it settles down again. Not that the fizz is gone it just isn't overflowing until another memory bumps it again. Some of those bad memories will settle to the back of your mind with time and the first ones will be those of your photos & happy times. Life can be so dang unfair!

All the beautiful grandbabies have to help soothe your heart!

Nancy H

Anonymous said...

Gina, wish I could give you a hug. I have no answers, all I have to offer is another caring shoulder, listening ear, aching heart and prayers that you will be okay.


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