Super Munz-& Grands

I cant help it. All kids love Halloween and Jamie was no exception. He was shy and sweet and pushed by his siblings, but happily so.

I took my shower this morning after blogging. I felt victorious for having staved off a mini meltdown. Then it hit me. THIS picture, This face. His careful coy smiles as adults coo'd him. Even at the funeral services I watched people pointing at this picture and smiling. ( that was a freaking killer) He would stick close to "Sissy" every chance he got, he wanted to be assertive like his older brother, but clearly was not. He loved the church carnival best of all. ( he didnt have to ASK for candy...lol)

Some say ( and I wont say who) WHY do you mourn the loss of this small child? He was an adult, he left this age/stage a very long time ago. I have pondered this as a Mother, then as someone outside of my body looking at this pitiful person. I have an answer. Because everytime I see this man, kiss this man, hug this man, chat with this man, I see THIS boy. my mind flashes to one part or another of a time in his young life. The adult self in front of me isnt as important, doesnt matter as much as all of the years it took to GET to this stage. When I looked at James, I saw Jamie. I saw the journey!! I have made myself mindful of the way I "think" when I see my other grown children. A test. YEP YEP YEP... sure enough, I flash with certain smiles, a look, an action, and I see the youngster. Is this normal??? I called Mom and asked her if she sees me or Kelly this way. I was validated when she said, "are you kidding Gina? I'm talking to that inquisitive little brat right now!" ( thanks Ma) (its actually not as bad as her calling me the "interrogator" which was often!)

Whether it was a month or several between visits, Jamie always came home. He never could bare to be away for holidays. I never worried too much because I knew that he was safe, and that he would be home soon. I kept prayer covers over him, and so did Ma. We had Yahoo, e-mail, cell phones, texting.. I was really, always certain that everything was just fine.

As I stepped into the shower and had these thoughts, I also had the OMFG could this really be true? Is it true? Did it really happen?Wait! Lets think about this. ( this happens to me often) Once again, I go down. I hear my daughters voice on the phone. I feel my insides erupt, I hear Sarah asking me if I need a bandaid, I see the horror on the face of everyone around me. I see the entire funeral speed through my mind like a freightrain, but leaving nothing out. It always ends with holding his long beautiful cold hands trying to say goodbye, trying not to die, as I realize it really is true. It really is. I must say that screaming aloud for the loss of this boy, this man, comes less often. However screaming inside, a howling gut wrenching OH NO IT IS TRUE scream, comes more frequently. I dont understand this at all. I dont understand how I can be so disturbed and yet so victorious at the same time??? I mean who gives a crap about the election, the stores closing, the stock market, the holidays!!! I want a GO BACK!!!!!!I need to fix this! It must be the Sybil in me.

Theres no GO BACKS I'm afraid, and lifes to precious and frail to be taken so lightly and just "think" everones okay. Lesson learned, but look at THAT price tag. Now if I can just teach myself to care without flipping out about every little thing. Lifes tough, I've always thought myself tougher. Maybe I was wrong, but I have hope that I am right.

Sybil Speak
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If you have made it this far, you will be happy to hear that I made it through, waiting for grand baby pictures. Stuck my head so far into sewing nothing could hurt me? Finally these arrived, which thrilled me. I now await Jakes Babies!!! Come on Jake!