Monday, January 4, 2010

2010 Pondering

The official new year begins when school resumes eh Moms? Now, I dont have school age kids, but I do have thier teacher! It makes me consider 2010. Its strange to even type that. I will be making plans throughout the year to keep myself focussed. There are so many things I would like to do it will be interesting to see which actually happened. Plans like getting to Montreal and a roadtrip with Blim... A family Christmas vacation untraditional. ( I know, shocker). MQS, Spring break, Oregon visit, adding a new family member, organizing photographs and SO MANY THINGS! There is one I need more than anything, and I will begin next month.
I do not believe that I have properly grieved for the loss of my son. I need to work on that, for me, for mine. How might I do this you ask? Well.... Dragging out all of his clothes and making those quilts may be a good jumping off point. I have hauled them everywhere, covetting them as if I could be bringing him with me these last 2 years. Its not healthy the way I think, all to myself. Things that I see, hear, and even sometimes do. I wont get into my mentalness, but it has become clear to me that this woman needs more work. I NEED to get to a point where "they say" a smile comes with a mental memory of Jamie. Not tears, fears, and a plethera of emotions that rattle around inside me. This would scare anyone to read, so I will remain a bit evasive. Suffice to say that I see it, admit it, and will address it. I dont think that a family photo shoot in a cemetary would be a good idea, or happen anytime soon, so I will channel my thoughts in a different direction. I know that I have said this for nearly 2 years, and truth is, I will continue to say until it works! I shared with a friend that the last 2 years has seemed like some kind of purgatory of my own. Or 2 years of hell, masked by the tears of a clown.
There hasnt been a book, a song, a prayer, a chat, not a damn thing to get me through this. Is it because I havent done it myself? But I have! I have reached out, grabbed onto, changed things up, done all humanly possible, and still I have no peace. This Im sure you know isnt too good for a happy ass person that I USED to be!
I have no idea why I am rambling on this morning. Good coffee? Alone with thoughts? Heels of yet another horrid dream? ( yes, they are still here). I am still hopeful, optimistic, and will forge on. You poor blog readers who thanks for listening, and when you ask me, I will say that I really AM OKAY. Okay? Maybe the quilt constructing will do the trick.


Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Speaking for myself, I read your words and feel your pain and wish that there was something that could be done to assist you....But as you know it has to come from within you.

Your words help me grow as I see you growing through all of your efforts - the good, the bad and the ugly!

Keep up the good work, sista!

Karen A.

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