I'd like to talk about grief. The process for those close to you. Maybe, somehow it can help both you the reader, and me the griever. I truly have so much going on in my world that isn't positive, I think that when I help others, I actually help myself. I want so much for this half of a year hold on rotten-ness to be over... turn it around.. I just cant find a way to do it? I sometimes feel that I am spinning my wheels doing things to make things positive, only to be slammed again. There have been so many life changes around here that its a wonder I'm not running down the street Naked right about now.... its just unimaginable... all of it. I refuse to have a pity party about it.. but whats the dang answer people? So here goes... I am in hopes that it helps someone, including me...
Ways to help a grieving Mother
* Be there. I can't tell you how many people were just there for us. From day one, moment one, even now. Our close friends came by to sit with us. Notice, I say friends. I did not really want to be around people that I was not close to. I did not want to have to work at putting on the brave face. There wasn't one there.
* Don't try to fix things. Nothing you or anyone else can do will fix the situation. You can't "make it better." Trying to fix it is just patronizing and upsetting. After all, I couldn't fix it myself, and I consider myself to be a pretty good fixer upper.
*Sharing Skin... TOUCH. It is amazing how much a hug, an arm....a hand, can HELP heal. Friends could reduce me to tears with a hug and yet, at the same time, make me feel so much better. It was like they were taking part of my burden upon themselves; trying to lighten my load.
* Let them cry. I really don't like to cry in front of people. (well, maybe a friend or 2...) But when you have lost your child, just get used to it. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. There is something healing about it. So, let them cry when they feel like it. Don't feel like you did something wrong when they cry. The smallest things can set them off. (and still do)
* Listen. ....I think part of what is helping me deal with my grief is to just be able to talk through it out loud to someone else. When I started thinking to myself, I would always stop myself before I got too far down a thought process. Change the channel Gina quick! But, when talking out loud, it is like I am figuring things out. Don't feel like you have to respond when they start talking about it. Give them time to think through what they want to say and get it all out before you respond.
* Help them change the channel by whisking them away for a coffee, a lunch, a walk, or a manicure. Its brief, and a little uncomfortable, but it works for a little while. I now call it my brain resting place.
* Be willing to sit in silence. When you don't know what to say, it is ok just to sit there. Again, your presence is a comfort even more than words can be some times. It lets them know you care. Again, sharing skin: "touch", is an amazing, healing tool.
* Send food. (& other things) I know this sounds gooberish and truthfully, I always thought it to be lame at best, but when you have just gone through a tragedy...and are still going through it...( I am STILL going through it) the last thing you think about is feeding yourself or anyone else who appears in your home, yet I feel compelled to, and cannot. Remember, WE are the natural nurturers, and normal, is no longer normal. When there are family members coming in and out, the last thing you want to think about is how you are going to feed them. God bless the neighbors who just leave fresh vegetables hanging on my front door knob.
* Understand that they may have irrational thoughts- and that's o.k. I never would have thought I would say, feel, or do some of the things I did after losing Jamie, until I was there. Grief will cause a person to feel things that are abnormal for them. I equate it to misfiring in the brain. Things just wouldn't "connect". Don't criticize them for those feelings or thoughts. If you do, they may not share them with anyone any more. Holding those things in is not healthy. Talking through those feelings is healthy.
*Try to avoid saying those "stupid things" that come out of people's mouths without thinking. For example, we heard things like..."Well, its a shame a seat belt could have saved his life."Helpful? NO! Don't start down the paths of the "what if" game. People can "what if" themselves to death, but it won't change anything. We also heard, "It was all in God's plan." While it sounds like it should be comforting, it really is not. I do not understand why God's plan would let Jamie die, and another son live...why would he allow so much pain?Now.... I don't think God wanted us to suffer like this, but for some reason, he chose not to interfere. Which brings me to another one, "You will understand it one day." That may be so, (though I doubt it) but that does not make it any easier at the time. Don't say you know how they feel unless you have been through the same thing before.
* Talk about the baby. The child. The Teen. The man. One of my fears is that people will forget. For the first few weeks after the funeral, no one mentioned going by the cemetery. This made me feel like they had all just moved on and he was no longer important. In reality, they had been going frequently, but had not said anything because they were afraid to upset me. Once they started talking about him freely, I would cry, yes, but I felt so much better about it. No one can ever forget their child, brother, uncle, grandson, friend. I ache incredibly so, for the last 26 years of memories of my son. Share a familiar funny tale or two..... laughter through tears, my favorite medicine.
* It is MORE than o.k. to leave pictures of them up. Taking the pictures down seems as if they are out of sight, out of mind. Leaving them up says that you still love them and they are still important. Don't tell them to box him up and put him away, that's just cruel.
* Don't be afraid of the work ahead of you. Being around someone who is grieving is not an easy thing. They can tell when you are just going through the motions and that does not help anyone. Sharing in someones suffering means that when you ask how they are doing, or offer to let them talk, you are prepared to be there as long as it takes. Don't judge them. Don't tell them they should not feel the way they do. Be ready to take anything they may throw out without correcting. As much as you want to, you need to just let them vent. Put yourself into them, or get out of their way.
* Try not to avoid them, as it feels like desertion, when in reality, people are just afraid of how to act, what to say or do. Theres something Unholy about the loss of your child, and everybody knows that. Feels that. Its normal, I'm told, for people to do this.... but I'm telling you the perception isn't comforting at all. If you love them, try harder.
*Lastly, Pray. Pray with them, pray for them. Call every prayer warrior that you know, pray for them on your own. When I first lost Jamie, I could not pray on my own. I felt like I had prayed for God to save him, bring him back, or make it a mis identity case with everything that was in me, and when he did not, I didn't have anything left to pray about. Nothing. I had feelings of betrayal... broken promises. Promises that I have kept close to me through all of these years. A promise that if I taught my children the way they should go, they would never stray. A promise that through my prayer covers alone, they would remain safe. It worked brilliantly, until now. That is when the prayers of others carried me. I knew that I needed it, I just couldn't do it for myself, yet. To be honest, I still struggle. I found myself one day praying together with my children around Jamie's grave site, still angry. Shameful, but true. Again I say... My mind knows better, but my heart wont listen.
Thanks for listening to a grieving Mother. Again. Still. Grunt.
Upon leaving the hospital, you can see Stephanie and Jamie are doing well, and that Aviana is just beside herself with the new baby. She seems to be telling her big brother a secret!
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