Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Uncontrolled Brain Waves

It's very strange, the mind. I never know at what moment, what the trigger is, or how I will live through it. You may recall that I mention Ground Hog Day when trying to articulate how the freight train hits me often about the reality that my son has died. No matter how I try to keep busy, wear myself out, or not replay the records in my mind, I cannot escape this pain. I wonder sometimes, like this morning, if I am not grieving properly. I know that there are no hard and fast rules but as I said many times I cant seem to give in to being completely miserable, nor can I let go of my boy. Have you ever gone over a year without seeing your boy? Hearing him?
I tried to put my finger on what the trigger might have been last evening. I have it down to 3 things happening before the clock stroked 12 and I died another day. Walt and I discussed friends and family as support systems when in need. ( we were talking about the impending move) I couldn't help but think about the past year in addition to this month. Secondly, A man called around 10 regarding the Deceased owner of the Inn that we are taking over. This man called from Maui, Hawaii, and had a heavy accent. He said Aloha when he called, and Mahalo when hanging up. At the time, I just returned the salutation, and went happily back to quilting. Lastly, I am filtering out photos for our web page and marketing campaign. The one that I chose, pictured below was taken late summer here in Morro. I suppose it shows different things to different eyes, but to me.. well... I see my own heart.
Two hours later from all of the above, I wanted to violently shake Walt awake telling him of the news that my son was just killed! Horrid, horrid Ground Hog Day. I can actually smell where I was, taste gulps of salty tears, hear whispering voices and become physically ill. Its all that I can do to bring myself around telling myself that I will not go and get my boy out of that rotten box. But its the hardest thing I have ever done,and I'm just not sure that I'm doing it correctly.
Now you know how I cant stand Blog Bummer speak. It does however help me to "sort" if you will... whats going on. I apologize, while thanking you for taking the journey with me.
There should be a list to go by for this process.
Love Yer Guts, I'm going to work.
PS: H? Plan a re-shoot, I gots the vacation retreat if you gots the camera:)


Anonymous said...

No apologies. Some days life sucks. Plain and simple. Hold on to every fiber of sanity out there. The rollercoaster just keeps moving...

Wishing you happier times to come very soon.

Christine O.

Freda said...

The picture is great Gina. I do not know how you feel but I do hurt for you. Everyone does grieve differently and at their own pace. I have a friend who's grandson was killed will be three years this September and she still has her very bad days but they seem to be getting fewer so she is making progress and you will to. My prayers are with you.

The Sarah Bear said...

I love you.

Lindah said...

Gina, I feel for ya. It takes time to build up an Inn, and it takes time to grieve fully. The tears and bad memories will come from time to time...maybe for a long time. Maybe forever to some degree? (I haven't experienced forever yet.) 12 years, sometimes the memories flood back and the tears start, but I'm getting to the point now where I can say yeah those were hard times, finish my cry and intentionally move on to something else. Tears are a good release.
Live fully the moment.
Blessings, dear lady.

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