Uncontrolled Brain Waves

It's very strange, the mind. I never know at what moment, what the trigger is, or how I will live through it. You may recall that I mention Ground Hog Day when trying to articulate how the freight train hits me often about the reality that my son has died. No matter how I try to keep busy, wear myself out, or not replay the records in my mind, I cannot escape this pain. I wonder sometimes, like this morning, if I am not grieving properly. I know that there are no hard and fast rules but as I said many times I cant seem to give in to being completely miserable, nor can I let go of my boy. Have you ever gone over a year without seeing your boy? Hearing him?

I tried to put my finger on what the trigger might have been last evening. I have it down to 3 things happening before the clock stroked 12 and I died another day. Walt and I discussed friends and family as support systems when in need. ( we were talking about the impending move) I couldn't help but think about the past year in addition to this month. Secondly, A man called around 10 regarding the Deceased owner of the Inn that we are taking over. This man called from Maui, Hawaii, and had a heavy accent. He said Aloha when he called, and Mahalo when hanging up. At the time, I just returned the salutation, and went happily back to quilting. Lastly, I am filtering out photos for our web page and marketing campaign. The one that I chose, pictured below was taken late summer here in Morro. I suppose it shows different things to different eyes, but to me.. well... I see my own heart.

Two hours later from all of the above, I wanted to violently shake Walt awake telling him of the news that my son was just killed! Horrid, horrid Ground Hog Day. I can actually smell where I was, taste gulps of salty tears, hear whispering voices and become physically ill. Its all that I can do to bring myself around telling myself that I will not go and get my boy out of that rotten box. But its the hardest thing I have ever done,and I'm just not sure that I'm doing it correctly.

Now you know how I cant stand Blog Bummer speak. It does however help me to "sort" if you will... whats going on. I apologize, while thanking you for taking the journey with me.

There should be a list to go by for this process.

Love Yer Guts, I'm going to work.

G

PS: H? Plan a re-shoot, I gots the vacation retreat if you gots the camera:)