Thursday, February 12, 2009

Whats The Plan Stan?



If you didnt know me, I could tell you that I miss my boy, and you wouldnt know where he has gone to. He has gone away. Many a Mothers son, goes away. To school, to work, to war. Some never come home.

I miss so many things on a daily basis that many take for granted, and I did too, and never will I take it for granted again. The mumble mouth "I love You Ma" most of all. Jamie said those words often, but always in a shy mumble, as if the MAN that he was wouldnt allow it in public. Yet he told me anyway. I miss those beater tee shirts that he couldnt wash properly making them dingy and causing he and I to squabble. How stupid is that? I miss so very much all of the different kinds of music he enjoys, much like his Mother. Almost daily he would share a new tune with me, then follow it up with a call for a MOM review:) . I could never put my finger on his favorite genre, and always smiled because many people think the same of me. We just love music.

Because he has gone away I will never fly him home again, or find family to get him out of a scrap. I wont be cooking with him, nor will I hear his raves when he sees me whipping up one of his favorite dishes. We wont be arguing over cars, speed, sand dunes, seatbelts or girls, and I'll miss that too. I'll wonder where my peacemaker is when a sibling is too full of themselves to share love, just for the sake of sharing. I 'll miss those tender talks we have for no reason at all about his plans for the future. A woman, a daughter, a home of his own, and his beloved dog at his side. I 'll miss watching the love pour out to his nephews and neices while he secretly prepared for his own flock. I will miss loving up that flock. I sometimes daydream about what they would look like, act like, and then I realize that I am only torturing myself.

I miss my boy. I miss the little guy who always wanted to do well, for me, his Dad, his teachers,his friends, his God. Those years cause the most pain. I miss the tears over his headgear and dental visits. His tender way with all animals, his gentile spirit. The incredible pride he had in being a boyscout, and the honesty in his eyes no matter the ordeal. Missing his eyes are too painful to speak of, as I see them in my minds eye at all times. I know too that his father must feel pain each time he looks in a mirror, for those eyes, are his. Sometimes In odd places, I hear him call my name.

In writing this, I discovered that I miss parts of me. The part that was he.

If you didnt know me, you wouldnt know that my son is gone forever. You would feel empathy for me, but to what degree? You wouldnt know that my son is really dead. His quarter of a life, ended, one year ago today. A senseless ending to a beautiful boy's life....and parts of every person he touched. I cant say goodbye enough, because it keeps happening like a groundhog day. I miss my son, and I always will.
I am forever determined to be OKAY. Jamie would want me that way. I am forever different. I see it, feel it, but I am still a happy me, and I deserve to be. How this is possible, I have no idea.

For today,the anniversary of the worst time in my life, everyone has given the advise of making a plan. So I made many. Busy mind, busy hands. There are many good things about to happen around here. I need to focus on this. I also want to speak to my son. Grunt.

Its important to say thank you to all of you who recognize, and are still going through the fire with me & mine. With all of my being, thank you so much for your calls, emails, snail mails, etc. Wrapped in the arms of much love, we're going to be OKAY.

12 comments:

Freda said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Gina.

Desert Threads said...

My thoughts are with you always my friend.

Yvonne said...

Thoughts, prayers and lots of cyberhugs.....

Erin said...

sending thoughts and prayers your way ..hugs too..

Anonymous said...

I dont even know what to write except for..I miss him too. The other day, I put avi on a queen size sheet, and hauled her around downstairs, on the tile. She was scared shitless. It was funny for me, tho. It just wasnt the same as when I was towing around Munz and Jake....

The hour is closing on the time of the accident, as I remember what I was doing exactly one year ago. I was getting my hair done by Amer, with Andrea, we were the only ones in his shop, for a late hair appt. We were sipping wine, and gettn all pretty for Vegas. The entire day was wonderful,I had money, nails,hair,clothes, I was skinny....only to come home,and get that phone call from dad. Having to call you in Hawaii, was hands down, the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Such a physically simple task, yet, how was I going to do this? Why was the task given to me to carry out. I know now, that dad, just couldnt do it.

Sharon Dixon said...

Gina, I admire your spirit. You write so beautifully about Jamie that I feel like I knew him too.

gaylemckay said...

Gina,
I think you have found your new normal. I really admire you for that. And yet, I always knew you would.
Thanks for continuing to share Jamie and your journey with us.
Gayle

Miss Jean said...

I'm so terribly sorry for the pain that will be in a place in your heart forever. Tomorrow we go to the funeral of the son of our dear friends. You may have seen blogs about this. Becky of Sweet Cottage Dreams lost her son last Wednesday. She doesn't know how she'll go on. I'll tell her about your blog. For although your pain is unbearable, somehow, dear Gina, you have gone on. Just like you say. Just like Jamie would want you to.

With love...

Lindah said...

Dear Gina, thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute. I know the anniversary is so painfully hard. I know, having been there, too. May God continue to pour out his grace on you, he who lost a special son, too. He knows.
What beautiful memories you shared today. Thank God for memories!

Lynn Douglass said...

My heart and prayers continue to be with you, Gina. No words are enough. Just know that you are surrounded by the loving care of friends.

Judy Laquidara said...

Does it seem in some ways like it's been way more years than one and yet in other ways like it was just yesterday? Just doesn't make any sense . . the way things happen. My heart also aches for you and prayers are whispered often for you.

The Sarah Bear said...

i love you

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