Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sixth Month Of Forever

So maybe he wasn't the perfect man, but he was the perfect child. He really was such a love.
This is a picture of setting up for a boy scout swaree` and Jamie was into the popcorn instead of the job at hand. I snapped a pic and threatened to "fink" on him to the den master. ( guess he was scared huh?)

Not a day goes by that I don't fall you guys. Not one, not yet. I'm waiting. At least once a day or more I say it isnt true, it didnt happen, its not real, and I KNOW that it is.

In grief counseling I am told to mentally prepare myself for upcoming remarkable dates. Today marks six months of mind boggling, torturous sadness. I did, do, AM preparing myself, but what good does that do when I still fall? His birthday will soon come, his deathday will come too. They will come and I will need to survive.
I haven't told you about my little trip to visit sis and family to Disneyland/Hollywood. I'm very glad to have gone, and I so enjoyed our time together. Its great to belong to such a nutty family:)
The first ride they sprinted me onto was called Soaring California. I was a bit apprehensive as I don't do " rides" well. I never have cared to have the bejeezers scared out of me. I trusted them, so I didn't show fear. To my pleasant surprise, the ride was amazing, freeing, and all that I could think of is wheres Jamie? Is he up here? Can he see the world this way? Is life after death and heaven in the sky a big myth? (ain't easy being me remember?) Its a thrill ride which makes you feel like a bird covering nearly every inch of California from the clouds. Complete with scents of wherever you were.. Napa valley fermenting grapes, the sea breeze of the Pacific ocean, green grass of our infamous golf courses, and even ( i swear) peat dirt of our agriculture valleys. Five minutes of pleasant ponderings. I wanted to go again and again, and to this day recall the feelings. (and of course ponder how far is heaven?) The next ride didnt go so well for me. As I said, I trusted the little nephew and niece, AND my sis! ( what a fool) I now trusted them even more since my initial experience was so serene. As we practically skipped across the park to a building that said Hollywood Towers I just assumed it was like universal studios or something... a movie studio maybe? I was clueless. We were so busy chatting inside I didn't take the time to ponder what fate was before me. NOT ONE OF THEM lead me to believe that I had just entered the TOWER OF TERROR. I made it out alive, just barely. My body was shaking, tears were raining down but hey I'm accustomed to that anyway. I needed wine in a hurry, and my sister and brother in law could barely control their laughter while purchasing the tee shirt that says I survived it. Understandably my wonderful family was only trying their best to bring me pleasure in an otherwise tumultuous space in time.
From right to left front row, Matthew,(nephew) me, Jackie,(niece) Patrick,(bil) Kelly(sis). U see their hysteria in laughter and my hanging on for dear life horror eh? Meanies.......

The reason I'm telling you about this experience is because it will forever be equated to the DAILY FALLING FEELING that I have and cannot seem to rid myself of. When my sweet baby James crosses my mind, I feel that sinking falling from 50 floors of the elevator of my life, flashing each stage of his life, OUR life......over and over and over again. I re-coop, of coarse, but it still comes unexpectedly, and I am beginning to loathe it.

6 months... and the rest of my life to go. Sometimes, (and this is one of them) its just too difficult to fake it. I miss my Munz.


Anonymous said...

What does this tower of terror do??? Why are you not holding on????? Your nephew looks like he is laughing like his dad!!

Too funny....

Sending big hugs your way!


Anonymous said...

We cannot prepare for what we do not know, everyday is new and different, trying to find normal, how can we do that when our normal has been with a loving and beautiful son for over 20 years... Screw the Shrink, who can tell us how long we are allowed to grieve, who can tell us we shouldn't cry anymore,Nobody can... We are who we are, loving heartbroken Mom's who would give it all away for another hug, another I love you more.... You are doing okay G, trust me, the tears flow as free as the smiles here, we are okay, we are lost inside, I know, I just had a 6 month a birthday without my Son... I will not pretend, I am sad, I have never been so sad, and that is okay, you are moving forward, that is okay and we love you, that is real and don;t allow anyone to tell you you cannot grieve over the loss of your beautiful Son, you cannot prepare for the tidal waves of tears, they just happen, I no longer plan, I go with the flow of the tears, the laughter, the heartbreak, the silence within my heart, I go on because of friends like you.... Love U More, hang in there my friend, you are not alone, believe me, nor are our beloved Sons... Big Hugs... Ronda

The Sarah Bear said...

I like Ronda!

Gayle said...

Ya know Gina, babies dont come with instructions. And grief doesnt come with a rule book. You just do the best you can with what you have at the moment. That is all anyone can ever do.

I happen to think you are an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing so much with us all the time.

Oh, and Walt? no wonder you needed to post that cute pic of him!


The Sarah Bear said...

Hey you...

I am thinking of you everyday and am looking forward to visiting with you.

I love you - inside and out.


Anonymous said...

Life. A journey, definitely not always a joyride. You're in my thoughts. Wishing you many moments of happiness and healing on your personal journey.

Take care and take the time to weep. Even the drs. admit that it's a good thing...
Christine Olson

Miss Jean said...

When my nephew died (suicide) it was like I was falling and someone was pouring water on me at the same time. That feeling came again and again and again. The grief and those feelings don't go away but we put them in a spot in our heart where we can manage them. I've always said that no one ever deserves the pain that you and my sister go through on a daily basis. To get from one day to another takes such superhuman strength, it's unimagineable. Hugs and love, dear one. I'm so glad to see you putting one foot in front of the other and making the choice to live your life fully.

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