Mind Over Matter

I said goodnight last night to Rudy, to the shop, to emails... I declared that Tomorrow would be a better day. ( I should have added a good nights sleep). My day began unwillingly at 4:30 am. grunt. This is actually the first time in my life I have experianced so many unsettling dreams. As I have said before, I can self talk my way out of many a meltdown, but no control over the nights. damn it.

My list isnt getting done, and that bothers me like you wouldnt believe! Its growing which causes anxiety! So today, as declared, I'm all over it again. Its just amazing how things can pile up on me, or more to the point, how I now have no

coping skills/tools for it.

I love this picture of my James.....I know that he loved me too.

I have now an added rush job for the 7 sisters show this weekend.. cant believe it... so Im buried over here...leftovers for dinner too... Loafing meat is on the menu.

Week End Happenings

I'm home, I think.. Am I home? Wow.. what a ride!  I accomplished much this weekend, most importantly loving up family and friends:) We had a photo session with Moomp Photography and I got a sneek peek at a FEW pics... the waiting is difficult for me.. but heres one....and BTW, I just gotta say that we have the best photographer in our family that a family has EVER had!
We are all excited to see the shots of the day and so very grateful too. We had alot of fun playing with all the kids ( well, cept those darn squirt guns)Loved playing Wii though!

My Mom & Dad were checked in on and dad has an ugly Ulcer on his ankle, I'll spare you THAT pic...grunt. Whats next eh?
We, of course went to the cemetary and frankly I dont know if its good or bad for me personally. I was trying to explain this to the kids and Karen gave the best analogy. "its kinda like going to church. You can talk to God wherever, but it feels good when u go to church and talk too.". I'll buy that for a dollar. I often times refer to Sarah telling me in Hawaii, that I have an OWIE. ( shes nearly 3) An owie to beat all, and just wont heal, but these babies are good medicine. I miss my boy, I want MY baby, and thats all I have to say about that.
Shawn is blazing a path now walking everywhere! He loves to hang out in th kitchen.. I think he will love to cook like his Daddy:) The pregnancy is going well for Steak N Jeff...we got some belly shots:::snicker::: Our last grandchild should come in late June. Wow huh? Just wow.

Our Aviana LOVED the playhouse, but no pictures of that one yet as Daddy has to assemble first. ( I cant wait either!) She is officially 3 now, and tells everyone about her presents. Justin is sporting some new Harry Potter glasses, I think its adorable:)A busy week I have ahead of me here. My lists just keep increasing as I dont accomplish them! (I'm seriously trying) I'm off to make more coffee, and wish myself good luck!

Have a marvelous Monday, and altho not listed, Im still thankful for much.

Congratulations Ronda and Desiree!

THIS JUST IN!

call live copter 3!

Ronda and Desiree, who are at MQX (machine quilters exposition)

this week in New Hampshire are taking home the best of the best winning

Best In Show
for her Quilt Essence!!!!

Enjoy the eye candy... Desiree won a ribbon in the Jr. division, for her first " flower power quilt... Congratulations to you both!

I'm feverishly working this week, trying to get caught up so I can go see the FAM.

Happy Birthday Aviana!

Can you even believe that she is 3 years old today? Difficult.
I am gearing up to see her next week end and yes, the torture is on for the perfect gift. I have now gone from American Girl Babies to an outdoor playhouse. Only because while they were here a few weeks ago we had to do a Costco run and she ran screaming down the isle when she saw this playhouse. She went right inside, stuck her head out the side window and yelled Nonni its MY HOUSE!!! ( whats a girl gonna do?) I wish I would have had a camera at that very moment because it was just priceless.
Avi is a pistol for sure. So full of life and claims everyones heart for her own that she comes in contact with. She now has Papa "wrapped"... and he wants very much for her to come play on the beach more often.
The family did Marine World in celebration and Aviana ( I hear) loved the "coaster coasters", look out world is all I can say about that! lol. We are missing cake~N~ice cream tonight, which of course is making me mental, but we will do a repeat when we get there. Period.
Have a great day everyone, I'm chanting that myself... join me in wishing this sweetie a happy birthday:)

Split Pea Soup

:::waving to my big brother::::

Hey John, sorry to make your mouth water, and thanks for the call. Heres the recipe for the soup and dont forget what I told you about the 15 bean and Hambone soup:) Its a little wierd to think about 13 degrees in Alaska, and 80 here in CA.. I guess YOU should be eatting the soup and me BBQing!!

PS: I'm still cleaning the kitchen...grrrr I am SUCH a messy cook.

LYG

SPLIT PEA SOUP with Ham

1 16 oz bag green split peas
Ham Bone ( those honey baked ham bones make your mouth sing:)
1 c chopped celery
1/2 cup diced carrot
1 c diced onion
2 clove garlic minced
2 T olive oil
1 lrg potato peeled, diced
½ tsp pepper
1 bay leaf
4 c water
4 c chicken broth
½ cup cream or whole milk
*salt if needed


Sort and rinse peas. In a heavy 4 quart pot sauté onion, carrot, garlic, celery in olive oil until tender but not brown. ( do this with bacon grease sometime.. woohoo!)
add peas, ham bone, potato, pepper, water, broth, and bay leaf. Bring to a boil and cover and simmer one hour.
Remove ham bone and let cool, then dice available meats (really small bites) and discard bone. (or give it to the poor salivating dog) discard bay leaf. In batches process pea soup in food processor until smooth. Return to pot, add meat back in, the cream, and cook 10 minutes stirring frequently until piping hot. Serve.

*Check for need of salt as Ham usually gives you plenty.

Natures Oils..ahhhhhh

I was blog surfing and found a cool post from Judy about Olive Oil. I said to myself, I said ..."self? You could do a whole chapter on this luscious juice!" So here ya go...Olive Oil, natures perfect age fighter. My Mom always said that age shows up on your skin first, so protect it with all you got, and start here :::handing me a bottle of golden slippery stuff.:::

I believe it was 7Th grade. Just after I shaved my legs for the first time, after being told not to a hundred times. It would seem that we are not very hairy, and shaving calls more hair. I didn't believe the woman, but its very true. OK, I digress.... I whined Maaaa This is for my earsssss. ( chronic ear infections) She assured me that I would be grateful one day. Mom, thanks:) All my girls, listen up.

Now truly, much beauty and good health can be accomplished in the kitchen, right? of course right. Theres wine, avocados, lemons, fresh greens, wine, spices,herbs, water, natural oils and wine. I'm sure that I've forgotten some things, all very medicinal. You may know to stay far far away from the damaging suns rays, but I'm here to say that try as you may, age will find you and bite your skin with or without sunscreen and umbrellas. It screams daily for re moisture. Water, and oils. Are you aware that your skin drinks the water you put on it? It doesn't just all roll off.. So check your water. Also note that the hotter the water, the more it steals moisture. I have to admit that I am not as careful as I should be with a facial skin care regimen, however I do use a great moisturizer. ( Clarins) And no, I do not use Olive oil on my face.. too rich. with the exception of after eyebrow waxing. ( in younger days, plucking.. yuk)

Olive Oil is your friend. Dont let it hide in your cupboard like a politically correct criminal. I have a few bottles in the kitchen of course,one in each bathroom, a vile with a dropper in medicine chest, (warm it for earaches) one on the nightstand, and one on Walts night stand. :::wink::: Not only a few drops in your bathwater, but G-licious slathered on after bath and especially after a shower will have your body baby skin soft and NOT oily. Night time little dab'll do ya on those rough spots.. and when you need a great massage, do not go spend a fortune on fake stinky stuff! Drizzle the Olive oil and enjoy a relaxing massage. (you can GIVE one, for a fee) The skin drinks it up and leaves behind silky smooth softness:) Bonus: Your Hands get even more moisture! Now, I'm not sure about this, but Mom and I have great fingernails, and I think the oil does it. No proof on that one, but you've seen my nails eh... weeds I tell ya, thick strong ones!

I recently received a tip from a waitress who had the most magnificent eyelashes I'd ever seen. OK, I tipped her too, sheesh) Now you know I had to ask right? Just like I'd ask the chef about a recipe... go straight to the source. The woman wasn't a bit shy when she responded with a smile and happily asked me if I used the little pink old fashioned maybeline mascara. I said yes, its a staple, but that didnt do YOUR eyes now did it? She chuckled and said "well, I do lace my eyelids with Almond oil everyday, it helps them to be strong." I complimented her again and inside was having an epiphany about my oil theory! Guess who is now using almond oil on her eyelids? I haven't worn make up in quite some time due to tear battle, but I am noticing that my lashes are indeed longer. Now, I have to tell you that I have a condition on my lashes called Bletheritus. My eye dr announced this last year. I have been repeating it aloud ever since, just cause it sounds funny. I cant seem to get it to GO AWAY either! However I have noticed that since my Q Tip Almond oil regimen, the Bletheritus isn't so itchy. Now if only I could control the tears so well eh?

I wish that I had time to research more natural oils. I think I'm onto something:) I made me laugh... I liked it too. Now that I've bent your eyes on this subject, I'll go to work, you can ponder it, and stock the house. Get the good stuff. Extra virgin, first cold press. After the salad, its all about YOU!

**googled this**

"Extra virgin" means that the first pressing of freshly harvested olives are used, providing a golden-yellow color and the best flavor. The olives are pitted, ground to a pulp, and cold-pressed. Olive oil contains mostly monounsaturated fatty acids, which have been shown to have a beneficial effect on blood cholesterol levels . Olive oil has been used since ancient times to heal wounds because of its emollient properties. Olive oil contains mainly oleic and linoleic acids, as well as vitamin E, which is an anti-oxidant which prevents the formation of free radicals which damage cell membranes and can contribute to skin aging as well as to certain skin diseases. Olive oil is often used externally to moisturize and treat dry skin.

Trash Talk

Its true... onec a week, Walt and I discuss :::read debate::: WHO will go fetch the trash cans. Today is no different, and I am kinda smiley, cause hey.. its normal!!! YIPPEE!!! Now, this may seem trivial to you, but to me, its a milestone! I'll go get em!!! Lord knows I can use the walk, but I wanted to have the CHAT with him anyway, cause its NORMAL!!! Lets duke it out! Lets offer up a few compromises! Latey, I guess he has been taking care of that too, cause frankly, I hadnt noticed they exsisted these days.
In our area, theres not alot of room for builders to build. Being the capitalists society that we are.. developers have managed to figure out a way to get more bang for thier buck and build 8 homes on what really should be 4 at best. What this means is that on my street..... theres a sideways street. (dont worry, picture to follow). (also a really small back yard!!)They call them PUD, meaning a shared driveway, but everyones still on the same street. Now, we found this one and hesitated being as it was the furthest back, but it does have its advantages too. The trash cans and mailboxes arent one of them. Its taken 2 years to decide who rolls those Californian recyle cans all the way down there to the curb, but no decisions yet on the empty ones coming home. GRUNT. The trouble is, I have no good excuses? They are no longer heavy, I need the walk, so does Ginger, and well, I just dont have any darn excuses. At best, I can bribe,(which usually works) or I can whine, which gets huffs n puffs and flat tire noises (u moms know the sound). Invariably I hear the " I hate to take out the trash" story too. Now I'm sorry, but you will never hear me bore you with "Geez I hate to do the laundry" stories.Oh crap... yes you would. Nevermind.I just remembered the 17 bath towels story I just told Lil Kymn.
We all have our schtick eh?U cant see our home as its behind the photographer:) I also had to put up this sign so my quilty friends and customers could find me!!


Today, I wanted to go get the cans. And it thrilled me to see a faint light somewhere down there. I practically leaped out the door and skipped down the street! I wasnt quite so perky juggling these monsters back up here, but I did it. I felt like giving MYSELF a brownie button. ( who the heck made up that brownie button analogy anyway?) OMG I PONDERED! See... 2 count em 2 lil normal things::sigh::
As you can see, I didnt archive pics today.. now THAT was just more than I could handle for one day, and frankly, I ran out of spoons AND channels to change. I decided that it wasnt good for my DQL right now. As I gain stamina, I will return to it. As for now, my family is in too much a mess for me to sink too far on any given day.
Your continued prayers are appreciated for these kids who suffer more than my heart can bare.
Thanks to all, now I'll go work on my quilt..I'm doing a Sashiko pattern thats kinda making me mental with placement, but hey... its just a pattern right? HA! small fry in the scheme of things I say.
LYG
Hey.... It just dawned on me... 2 years... this week was move in week 2 years ago... wow...even THAT doesnt seem real. I distinctly remember sending this picture to Ms H cause she was in deep denial that we had moved. Its ok H, no one else believed it either.

Always A Waterboy

Ok, I have taken the plunge. No matter the pleasure or the pain I need to scan and archive these precious pics of ours. I'm dividing my time measuring the hours in spoons, so wish me luck. I will devote only one hour and who knows how many spoons to this project, and I will sometimes share a few with you good peoples too:). One thing I struggle with of late, are my memories. The good doctor says it is the pain masking the memories, and they will return as the pain subsides. ::pondering subsides:: From his mouth to Gods ears eh?

From the cradle Jamie was in the water. Much like all of my children were. I was not... ::::insert chicken pecking::::Two of the four became little swimteam stars. Karen swam butterfly so well that we all thought that if her singing career didnt pan out, olympics were in her future. Jamie was so fast in the back stroke that he brought the judges to thier feet in every heat. In this picture, I see that again, he lost his goggles.... that kid... Funny when I remember just how FAST he did everything in life from swimming to handwriting and everything in between... ::change channel quick::
Kelly and Jake swimmed socially. OK, they swimmed for the snack bar treats and friend time. Not that Jamie and Karen didnt love the social aspect of the sport, its just that the two of them were more serious, more competitive, and loved the water very much. Jamie lost interest in the swimteam somewhere around 8th grade..... As you can see on that pic up top right, he even had his dogs in the water..lol Here are a few done today. I think these are clickable...

Accepting an award........

Jamie, Jake, Kelly

Picking Up The Pieces

I'm collecting unsolicited advise. No kidding. Gathering information in order to cope, to make my own conclusions. To survive.
I just recently noticed that I am doing this. Be it encouraging words from thoughtful cards such as Donna's, reminding me to openly "talk" about Jamie. All of the years that makes up my Jamie. Not just this one. The devastating, senseless 2008 year. A spoon theory from Gayle disscussing what it actually takes for me to function on a daily basis these days, or the world/globe analogy from Ms H. showing me how its really normal, to be abnormal right now. That my world was not only in pieces, but all over the floor, and even by picking up pieces, they continue to fall. For this song at the bottom to hang on to from Walt... Just knowing theres a handrail to grab... whoa..
I guess its true, I am collecting.
Yesterday I used up all my spoons by 3 pm and had a meltdown at the post office (poor postal lady) having realized that I forgot the damn Bon Jovi CD to go with the paint swatches to mail to our Ronda, I couldnt even find my usual world, and I had no more spoons to go home and do it all again!
This morning I picked up my world and held it tightly to my chest. I gathered all of the spoons I could hold. Put on my glasses and told a picture of Jamie how cute that age was, and down the hall I went. I used 2 spoons and dropped my damn globe before I made it to the kitchen! And then I laughed, because I understood. I get it. Thanks so much to all of you. The information is being processed, digested, and pieces are being picked up on an hourly basis. I am forever grateful.
I'm off to try again, use more spoons, and paper mache` some pieces together....love yer guts:)

Babies...They just keep comin!

We had another mad rush weekend to see the newborn gr daughter. Julie and baby are doing well.

That drive kicks my butt.. I dont know that its getting easier or harder.. To be honest, I find it difficult to know much of anything for sure these days, but I'll fake it til I make it anyway. Did I mention that Jamie was born there too? De Ja Vu a plenty going on there I tell ya... owie or smiles... I dunno....

I did manage to get 2 customer quilts done, and know what? It felt very good. So today, I will list a plan of attack on another weeks worth of work.

This picture is priceless, and sooooo fitting for Pappa... Is she laughing??? enjoy

Happy Birthday Kim!

And in honor of a special guy on a special day.....................Our Kim is a Thinkin kinda guy (my choice of the 40 something cool things about him)
I decided for a birthday blogabout.....to see what kind of a thinker I am. What kind of Thinker are you???:::smile:::
::::TESTER LINK AT BOTTOM, CAUSE I AM HTML CHALLENGED::::

Your Thinking is Abstract and Sequential

You like to do research and collect lots of information. The more facts you have, the easier it is for you to learn. You need to figure things out for yourself and consider all possibilities. You tend to become an expert in the subjects that you study. It's difficult for you to work with people who know less than you do. You aren't a very patient teacher, and you don't like convincing people that you're right.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

The Air That I Breath

Is thinner... harder to do. I must take big heaping gulps of this support system of mine, just to continue to walk upright. I would never have thought I would need to lean on ANYONE as I have been doing. A part of me feels like a darn child myself. I dont think Ive ever been a very good patient. I can remember Knee replacement, and the back break... I was not a very happy person... ::::read whiner:::: Now, It would seem, whining isnt adequate. More like a walking non functioning alien. Grunt.
I wonder what those people do who are less fortunate than I? With no strong family, no first line of defense friends....other good people who will cry, pray, and go the mattresses with and for them? I must do something for them. For me. ::Pondering just that::

I am a lucky woman, but I am forever changed. I one day hope to say again what I said when I was recovering from the accident.

"I'm not that way anymore, time closes yesterdays door. I'm just as happy, as I was before, but I'm not that way anymore."

Continued thanks dear friends and family for this air... and I'd like to share a few recieved gifts of the month.

H, the Maui necklace is a wonderful memory with friends:) (walt has intentions of keeping it) Deb, the starter kit is an inspiration! Carla, the basket is a joy and comfort to behold. I am using daily for my thank you cards right now:) Ladies, the quilted postcards are just heartwarming as they arrive. Gayle and Dy, I'm still journeling on Nickels:)

And the oxygen tank to beat all?.................Nonni napping with Shawn...lol

::had to stick one gr baby shot in didnt I?:::scuse the bad hair day, which is all of em!

Spring Break Fun

So maybe they missed me cause they all showed up last Thursday for some fun in the sun:)
I think we covered it all.. ATV fun, Beach fun, dinner out, a little sewing, shopping for cell phones.. and yep... those tatoo's..grunt. I think we need to get a WII, so I can bowl more often! LOL... Good to have my family near:) Its just a tad bit easier to grieve, or maybe even remember... together...

Here's a few pics just to let you know I wasn't really missing for the week.. just busy with a demanding toddler, a teething baby, and their parents all having fun at Nonni's & Pappa's:) The weather's turning windy/chilly now, so I m glad we had outdoor fun before May Gray and June gloom arrive. As it was, in Oceano, the wind was nearly gale forced! (Walt ate lots of sand) hey... guess who babysat and took pictures? Ahuh.....

Poor Ginger is worn out!!.................. (too)::snicker::

Easter Visiting Photos

Pappa and Aviana dying the eggs together....the goal was to make Pappas shirt:) Shawns first birthday cake... He didnt get to demolish the curious George cake.. and I forgot to take a pic of his funky monkey quilt!!!

Shawn and Jackson motoring around the property... looking at this gives me pause... ok, fear.

Shawn's walking now..... lookout! dang he is so smoochy cute:)

Daniel having fun with Easter basket

Grocery shopping with Dad.... Oh Man..... He cant hear a darn thing, so the entire store was regalled with his grocery list to Gina.Then.................he had his motor full speed seemingly chasing me around the store! I was busy filling my own cart and trying to hide?

I made it home in time for a sunset with Walt, with 30 minutes to spare for a good cuppa coffee and American Idol... I was just thrilled with a few of the contestants, especially David Cooks rendition of Billy jean.. did you see it?

As I said yesterday... something changed... I felt stronger. Sad, but less empty... is that even possible? I took a few pics at the cemetary, but I cannot look at them yet. I guess I missed alot of family pics... I need to strap that camera to my hip!

The air that I breath....thinner, but still here.

Do You See What I See?

My plan worked brilliantly. I hit the road and drove a bazillion miles again.... just filling up some voids. I spent Easter with my kids/grandkids.. then off to my Parents where I cared for them in a record breaking 6 hours of cleaning cooking and chatting. I drove even further to my Sis and kids, to get my fix there too. I did the cemetary twice just to tell Jamie what I was up to, and thought maybe he could help out? I figured if I just kept driving to my needs, I would be.... OKAY. I just feel wierd.

I did come home feeling a bit stronger, a little "fed" so to speak. Its kinda like that tulip to the left....change channel...

The stretch between the coast and valley is breathtakingly beautiful in spring. Since they are widening the James Dean Highway there, it takes a long time and a great deal of patience to get through the construction work. It helps to have some licorice Jelly Bellies, and a camera. ( Oh, and Jamies Playlist in the CD player.)The rolling hills are alive with color.. its an amazing drive... Theres just got to be a quilt in here somewhere right? So I guess I see Moss green in my stash buiding excercises when I get back to them...

I have a few shots for you, and later I'll get other camera unloaded and bore you with kids:::wink:::

Anniversary Blog

I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to this blog this morning:) A very nice reader emailed it to my attention, along with encouraging words. Thank you. I was pretty amazed myself, that it has been a year already, and has grown so much. Its sure been a ride hasnt it Dear blog readers? Thanks for coming on the journey with me.
I did my middle of the night walk and re-read the whole year. Just amazing the history that comes from a little morning coffee blog.
I hope that everyone enjoys thier Easter holiday. I am trying to make a plan myself.. Plans are good.... I will leave you with a word of encouragement from Judy. I printed it, and stuck it in my pocket.... a darn good one Judy, Thank you:)

I hope that this weekend brings you a resurrection of a piece of your joy. That you are surrounded by family and friends, sunshine and smiles. And that a small still part of your heart finds some comfort in the stillness.

Am I Okay?

I begin every morning, and end everyday with this question. I ask it of myself, I ask Walt. I ask Ginger, Rudy, and Jamie. Now depending on who I have asked...... You understand eh? Walt always says " You are fine Babe, you are going to be fine". Ginger cocks her head to one side as if to say, I dunno, but I sure do love you lots Ma". Rudy invariably answers with an "ITS OKAY".. every single time. When I ask Jamie, I hear nothing. I feel nothing but pain. Sometimes, a wave of pain that wont let me breathe. After a few minutes of non breathing fear, I choke and Big Sur type tears begin again. Often times in the cold mid night I wake up screaming without vocal chords.... I cant describe it well... I wont tell you the dreams as I cannot. But I must get up to wonder aimlessly looking for something that just isn't there. I have taken to writing ( go figure) in the wee hours when I dance with these demons, on fabric. I have journal-ed what may or not be my thoughts since the day Jamie left us. Left me. Yes me. I feel selfish enough to say it. He LEFT ME. I wasn't done loving him yet! I didn't dance at his wedding. I didn't cuddle, smooch, and love up his blue eyed daughter, who would have looked just like Mamy. There are so many things I feel cheated out of, and he being cheated out of life himself. What you think.. 50 years or more? Robbed of. And for what.... change channel....

Of course I have no idea what I'm doing with this primitive piece of art, however, it does put my mind to pen and fabric so someday it may very well represent my tag line.. "A Stitch In Time Saves My Mind". AGAIN.

I have the first month assembled into a calendar. As I said, its very primitive, but it was....IS... through the fire so to speak. I think that I will continue with it, in hopes that one day he will answer me. Talk to me. Tell me why this had to happen. Tell me where he is, how he is.
Maybe I'll be buried with it. I dunno.... change the channel.

This morning, Rudy said It's Okay. He is singing to the swallows who are coming home this month. I want to sing to. I can't find my voice either.

Here is February Calendar... March is still in strips all over the longarm...some are in nickels on the floor.. tear blotted, smudged and not legible.. ::shaking head::

Remoting Myself

I have an automatic remote control button on board these days. I change the channels often.. sometimes I have to run through 900 channels, before stopping on a good one. A Positive one. Its amazing what the mind can do, good and bad. It's amazing how the body reacts TO this awesome mind work. I cannot believe the pain one can experience internally.

This channel changing seems to work well most times... until you try to sleep. Then throw all control out the proverbial window... cause I am SO NOT IN CONTROL OF THE REMOTE ANYMORE. Ok... zzzzzit.. changing now.

This week end, I remoted ALOT. My daughter and family came down to check on me. Helped around the house, and kept me changing channels. I tried very hard to quilt a funky monkey for my grandsons first birthday. I loaded the back, it was too small.. How did this happen? I unpinned and pieced together backing borders, and its over there waiting for a reload. His birthday is Friday... GRUNT. So we went shopping... a little retail therapy. Before I knew it, 3 hours had passed, and my cart was full. I had grand kid clothes parties for 3 solid hours... I decided, this was a good thing... I need more money to do this more often. OH.. that would require me going to work right? K.... sheesh....I'll make another list. Do you know Ive made list daily and I just look at them? I'm just lost me thinks. Just lost.

Nothing can change a channel like Aviana can. She is a high maintenance almost 3 year old. She wants what she wants... ( her saying, not mine). She usually wants..............all ya got. And the heart of life, is good:)

Heres a pic to leave you with, I'm off to make a list, and actually implement said list, as I have a real live customer scheduled in today. I decided that if I complete just HALF of the list, I will reward myself with a long overdue manicure, as my pretty nails resemble Cruella De Ville these days.... Ewwwwwww

Keep praying, and OMGoodness, thank you for those prayers, calls, cards, and lil "i'm thinking of u gifts.... I dont know HOW I'm getting through this, but you sure help:)
Blima, just seeing your writing, felt so good for a minute... Karen A, u made me smile, Heather, I had a wave of comfort flood me when I heard your voice. Tracye... cherished:) Thank you Jane, Diane, for your perfect timing "thwart off a full on meltdown" calls.... Everyone, so many thanks.. I never knew how much I need others love n care. And my Walt sends thanks too, for helping Him:::wink:::

Moments Take My Breath Away

(clickable pic)

If we are to measure moments that take our breath away....I must count those meltdowns right? They indeed take my breath away. I try to be strong for my children who are also suffering, strong for my husband who only wishes to ease the pain, but I cant seem to get past my own broken heart much of the time.

I want so badly to write,but the pain that comes out of this brain is not even fit for print. I have been writing in private as not to scare the begeebies out of many of you.

I re - read this whole blog since it was born, and I think.... what a little happy ass I was.. taking moments for granted on an hourly basis. Know what? I like being happy, don't you? I miss my unbroken heart too Ronda.... I keep reading that sidebar over there.... Happiness is a choice. Grunt. I know I still have that choice, somewhere in me.

All of what I am made of is now minus one part. One part savagely amputated from my body. I have lost a limb. I know I am not the only one to endure such a loss. But I am Jamie's only Mother, and Jamie is 26 years worth of me. Do the math.... half of my life was spent nurturing this beautiful child of mine. 26 years of moments that took my breath away whether it was his illnesses, growth milestones, pre school, prairie days, mission trips, vacations, baseball, boy scouting, swimteam, church camp, teenage torture, or just plain ole everyday sillyness with his siblings, and everything inbetween that! Now... I am told he lives only in my heart? He is in a photo in a locket round my neck? This I cannot accept.

After having slept most of the week end away, Walt and I caught a sunset last evening. It was an amazing site as always. I sat on the beach and wondered where my son is. If he is ok, if he is suffering, or if he holds the hand of an angel....and if he knows the pain he left behind. Only one fourth of his life did he have with us. Cheated. Robbed of many years. This evokes so many emotions ranging from anger to sorrow all in a "take your breath away" moment. I look for him everywhere. In my dreams, in my waking hours, I still feel the need to fix it. I still feel the need to "wake up" from this horrific nightmare.

I recalled that at the exact time of his tragic death ,I was sitting on a little sand dune, watching a sunset 5000 miles from him without a clue that he was in danger. I felt guilty for being there, even though there was not a thing I could have done to prevent it.

I feel the love around me. I know the greatness of the moments yet to come. But the pain of this loss is sometimes unbearable. And the battle of the heart vs the mind lives another day. My mind KNOWS everything it should, but my heart will NOT listen.

It's Gonna Be Alright

A new song:

It's Gonna Be All Right ©

It will never be OK…but it's gonna be all right

Yeah It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it's gonna be all right .

1. And when those moments happen…and all the darkness seems like it’s night

2. And in those momentous moments…and all the blackness shows no light

3. And if those moments happen…where your heart just don’t want to fight

It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but you are gonna be all right

In all my days and selfish ways taking for granted the life I own

I looked upon the path I was on and didn’t realize how I’d grown

And in a flash of crimson ash and blackness I’d never known

I got the call that ended it all as I dropped the phone like a stone

I thought I knew what hurt could do until I heard that you had died

I never knew the depth that grew from knowing you’d never again be by my side

If I’d known I’d be on my own and living life without you

I’m not so sure that I could cure the sinking feeling of despair which grew

But in the light that I’d be right if I learned to live with love anew

I saw the fact that I’d attract the life that God gave me in real truth

I can never be so clever as to pretend that I will be the same

My life has changed and rearranged my portrait in my tear stained frame

But we are the chosen ones who have to take the lead

To tell the luckiest ones if not for those who really have the need

To rise above and live with love that passes through our hearts

And mending all those broken lives by telling where our story starts

Doc Mompean 2008,

Thank you Sarah Bears Dad, now send me the melody, so I can sing it:)

Time Marches On

Everyone want to shed a few more tears? Tears of sorrow, tears of joy? Tears of truly bewilderment?

OK, I' have enough for all of us, so lets move on......

My youngest, Jake ( whom I now live in fear of losing every second of every day.. I dunno, I just do) and his wife Stephanie, you all know them from previous posts as Steak~N~Jeff..... (Shawn was born last year) announced they are having a baby girl in July, and her name will be Jamie Elaine, in honor of her late Uncle James. ::insert tears::

Life is still blazing a path isnt it you guys? I wonder how this can be? Now this fills me with about a thousand more questions in my already screwed up head, but I wont go down that road. I just wanted to share a real head scratcher, and try to write without having a full on meltdown. Done deal. I did it.

How does one get back IN the saddle anyway?

I've been told that I must try to get back in the saddle. Where IS the saddle? Is there a ladder?

Does this horse go on auto pilot?

OK, I have been sitting here over an hour, backspacing some pretty painful things, so I will move on and just show you what has indeed been accomplished. Maybe tomorrow.......................You all remember the Silk? Its beautiful, and stainfree.

High School Graduation

Hey, doesnt this look like a pushy Mom to you? "C'mon... smile for the nice man Jamie....."

He has always been so beautiful. Even as a baby, people would stop me while strolling to say what a pretty lil girl I had there.
The middle child, and most compliant of four, James has always been the peacemaker in the family. I have so much turmoil going on now, I want so badly for him to call one of the kids up and tell them to knock it off. I find myself calling his cell phone repeatedly just to hear his voice on his answering machine. I know one day, even that will be gone, and once again I will fall. I'm not sleeping well... the dreams wont stop, good and bad. The doctor gave me pills for this, but it hasnt done the trick. The dreams are mostly fearful, and I have never experianced that before either. Maybe I need more pills.

My sister Kelly came last evening, She will stay a few days. I think the troops are scheduling shifts. I am grateful. We will see how much I can accomplish with her today. I have a huge steamer trunk yet to be gone through of photographs, and I know theres a box somewhere with Jamies quilts inside.. I just cant seem to find them.... either.

Not sure if his pics and his music help me yet... I think they do. It might just be me grasping whatever I can of him. Guess what else I found? He brought me a quilt last summer. all wool squares, tied and tattered. He said "Ma? can you restore this for me? I have really beat it up in the last few years." He had been given this quilt by a girlfriends Mother in Michigan while he was doing his concert lighting job. Of course I said sure Jamie... if you dont mind waiting awhile. The quilt has since been taken apart down to the top... and now the some of the blocks need replacing. I think I will finish it and give to his father who is in his truck much of the time. I'm sure he will cherish it for James.

How do I do this? How can I go on?.......... I cant think about that right now, I'll go crazy if I do. ( anyone know what movie this line came from?)

Im taking your good thoughts, prayers and cares with me to get ready for today.

Push, Shove, Try! Gina! Try!

These are self talk words I am using almost every moment, about everything. My mind still a blurr, and even sometimes in disbelief. I have even convinced myself a time or two, that it was all untrue. Only to realize the reality, and fall all over again. I know that my thoughts are not straight, so bear with me as I TRY to do even this. WHY? Because a little piece of normalcy may help. I think.

The pic on the left is James, Jake and Aviana............

I went back to read Jamies birthday blogabout and it hit me that we go for a few months without seeing each other, and its ok......then i read old letters from me to him at church camp where it asks him the question of how will I go a whole week without you here?
I face the rest of my life without Jamie now, and it is nearly unbearable. I only add "nearly" because Im still alive!!!! How can this be?

His friends from school, our Pastor from church, all the family and friends from around the state were all walking and talking and moving about at the funeral reception, and I dont know where Jamie is. There was an empty chair, all over the rooms, where he should be sitting, laughing, joking with his brothers, and bouncing a nephew on his knee. But the reality was they were just empty chairs. ok... moving on....

I will try, I promise, to not depress all of you. I thought maybe if I write, I will survive... Not sure... Maybe that which I write, to GET OUT.......can no longer hurt me? I know... its all crap... its just painful no matter what.

Today, I push myself the hardest, having made my second pot of coffee in two days... woohoo... give her a brownie button... because today is my Walt's birthday. I feel so bad when I look into his eyes and see my own pain. He hurts so much for me and feels helpless. The Super Hero he loves to be, has Kryptonite round his neck. And u know what? I'm not even strong enough to help him. He has been such a rock. A pillar of strength to me, to the kids, to my family, even to Jamie's father. An amazing man he is. I must give him a rain check on baking his favorite German chocolate cake, and still he left this morning caring only about leaving me alone. ::sigh::

Again, for everyones support, no words to convey my gratitude. Much needed, much appreciated, much loved.

Thank You All

I havent many words just yet, but I need to let all of you know how important your caring for me is. I am truly blessed, I know this. Thank you all for your prayers and comforting words.My eldest son Kelly is out of danger, walking, talking, and breathing. We buried our son James on Wednesday, and I am not sure that I will ever walk, talk, breath, or be out of danger in my mind, body, or spirit. I'm trying, really I am. We are all trying. Thank you so much for your continued support. I know that my friends and family carry me now, and I am most humbly grateful.

Update on our Gina

This is Heather (SarahBear's mom)

Just wanted to tell each of you again, how thankful G is for all your support, well wishes, love, and prayers.

The services for Jamie were yesterday and today she and Walt are headed back to their home on the coast. Please keep sending her your love and support and know that she will be here as soon as she is able.

Just a note of thanks...

Hiya folks...I am writing for G.

I am Heather's husband Kim... The Sarah Bears dad. Heather & I were w/Walt & G when they got that terrible phone call.

Gina has asked us to communicate to everyone on her behalf. G wants everyone to know how much she, Walt, & the rest of their family appreciate all the calls, notes, prayers, & well wishes from everyone.

This, as you all can imagine, is an extremely difficult time. Gina is doing as well as to be expected. Walt has been a really big support for her & has been great through this. Please keep those prayers and good thoughts & feelings coming for them both and for the extended family as well. She just wants you all to know that she appreciates you and is thankful for all of your support. I am absolutely sure (knowing G) that she will be back here once she is able to.

Thank you again and may God bless us all...but give a little extra strength to Gina, Walt, & all their family at this time.

TGIF & Hasta La Vista! I Mean.. ALOHA!!!

Mornin.... Am I ready? I don't think soooooooooooooooooooooo
But, I will be! I must make ready for rudys house sitter this morning, ok, and do a 3 page list... then I'm ready.

I am on my second try with cornstarch on the silk. NO Go. I finished quilting it, and now treating it. I will try baby shampoo next. OK, and blowing it out with my air compressor. Can u get a visual of me tank in hand doing battle with a 108 inch long quilt, half off frame, goggles on... music blasting the theme song, I GET KNOCKED DOWN....., hair flyin? THAT would be me. I think Carla has a new cartoon right there u know? LMAO!!!
I'm having some issues with oil it would seem.... maybe its the law of attraction at it again.... I opened a new jar of peanut butter this morning (making Walt the 5 am sammich) and all down the front of my new TEE shirt is peanut butter oil!!!! ( can I hear a big awwwww?) Can u flippin believe this? So, off I go sputtering obscenities to the paper towel roll, and let me tell you this... BOUNTY IS NOT the quicker picker upper!! What a bunch of Hooie that is. Grunt.
Speaking of the law of attraction... I've been thinking.... as I looked at one of my vision boards this morning, it occured to me that everything on it, I come within inches/minutes, of success... almost down to the exact pictures...( well, except for that FAT Tacori diamond ring and bird aviary cage) and then.. POOF... they escape me. I MUST be doing something wrong. Now frankly, you may not know what the heck I'm talking about, but for many years I have practiced positive thinking, and DOING. Not really accepting NO for an answer. ( Follow your Bliss) It works for me.... Just again, who I am. I have practiced the SECRET, long before anyone was reading the book! But in the past several months, I have noticed that some things in particular, are just out of reach in accomplishment. I was discussing this very thing with Mufasa a few weeks ago, and he gave me an AHAAAAA moment. He said to me " What if.... your energy, attractions... are in direct conflict with mine?" This makes perfect sense to me. Now what do I do? For me, I must still rope the moon so to speak, but we arent on the same page? This bothers me. ALOT. I will be pondering this while I'm away this week.
Not sure yet if my laptop is tagging along. I hate lugging it as a carry on, but maybe Walt will? LOL If not, I'll be quilting/blogging in my head, from afar!
Aloha!

Silk Restoration/Remodel

Look how beautiful its turning out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now look at what I've done..............

Yes, its a giant machine oil spot! I dont know how it got there? all is clean on table hehind? I need ideas to get it out. I am afraid to try SEW CLEAN, or water even? All went well with disassembly, All went well with reconstruction. I was careful.... but then I saw this when advancing back and forth.
I'm going to get more coffee and stare at it some more, hoping that the sheer force of my will will make it GO AWAY NOW!!!
Then of course I'll wake up and bawl
GRUNT
GULP

MM & Travel Reports

I'm home and I'm getting too old for this crap! THATS a long trip....IN WIND DRIVEN RAIN!
I feel pretty much like I've been chewed up and spit out u know? But I'll recover.... right?
The week end was one of the fastest and most draining that I can recall.
First let me say this. FRANKI VALLE IS HELLA OLD! And the 4 Seasons? They are young!!!!!
Yep yep yep, he got him some new spry seasons:) As long as I focussed on them, and the music, I was fine! If my eyes wandered back to Franki, I just cringed and thought NOOOOO this isnt right, cant be??????Come on!!! With every falseto note the man pushed in his groin!!!! STOP THAT!!! My Mother was incredulous! she said Dad loooked younger at 80, (and I laughed to myself at the thought of Dad belting our those songs at his age.) I loved all of the music though, it was a great nostalgic journey!
I enjoyed my Gr Baby girl so much! We went to Sushi and she impressed me with her love for the dishes, all of them! She was a perfect angel and her appetite scared me a little! lol I think its genetic...lol
My Ginger is staying with Aunt Kelly for a few weeks for the Hawaii trip, I miss her already. She has border collies to play with, and a couple slappy cats that really dont like her much? Poor Ginny....
I'll be making ready for the trip this week, in between quilts, OF COURSE! Hey! Speaking of... both the customs were well recieved and I do so love to see happy customers up there!
Upon my arrival home, tired, deshevled, road weary....I was greeted by a cute lil reveal package from my secret quilting sister!!!! I was so excited, inside I jumped while my body fell into the corner of the sofa....lol Thank You Gretchen for a most enjoyable 6 months of fun from you! I love the chicken pin cusion, it smells heavenly! But I gotta tell ya woman..... the last line, expect something SHINY in the mail? HOLY crap do you know what happens to me with these words? I feel like a 6 year old!! WHAT IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????????????????????LMAO!!!!
I love this SS game, and boy, I have a wonderful new friend! LYG!!!!!!
I'm off to work, have a great Momday!!

• Secret Sisters
• good road gripper tires to dodge sage brush
• being strong, mind, body, spirit
• Avi, kiss me right here:)
• homecoming to Rudy screaming WOW!!!!! I LOVE YOU!(who is now regalling me with Herb alpert and the tijuana brass, TEQUILLA!
• freezer foods so I dont have to cook when im weak..lol
• happy customers