Saturday, April 3, 2010

Fear Is Courage That Says Prayers.

OKAY...I'm going. But I fear. So I pray. But still, I fear. Short of calling everyone I know and telling them to sit on the couch and not move a muscle until I return... I have done all that I can to stand on top of the fear and say NOTHING HORRID will happen while I'm gone.
I was just wondering if my persona was prone to post traumatic stress disorder. When I fell in 98 from the staircase... (I dont think Ive blogged about this). I developed more than the fractures themselves. I let a fear in that didnt go away for a few years. The fear of falling ( go figure) from tops of stairs. I couldnt go up... therefore I REALLY couldnt come down. THAT was some serious work getting rid of that fear I tell you!
Now dang it, I suspect its back.(in the form of tradgedy happening while Im away) Anxiety and short panic attacks, forget sleep, and I cannot focus to save my ....neck. Believe me when I say that I am fighting this every step of the way. I have mastered going to the valley...and no longer think Walt will disintegrate while I'm away. I can be home and not wring my hands worrying about family. However.. heres the big test... Walt and I gone together on holiday,which hasnt happened since we lost Jamie. No holiday-ing for us. I am my own episode of FRINGE. Grunt. Do I thow my cell phone in the trash? Call everyone and ask them to be extra careful? Yes, Hawaii flashes so many times so fast today that I cant keep up with my brain remote. So I pray. I chant the above blogabout title. Oh geez, I just remembered that the last time we met Blima and Mike MY kids called with what I thought was an April fools prank. They said "Hey Mom! We're in Lake Tahoe and had a triple wedding!" yep, we all got married!" . No way did I believe this. But it was very true. This was just before Jake left for Iraq. Not that it was a tradgedy by any means.. but a life changing event without da Mama? WTH???
Yep, I'm throwing the phone in the trash. Why is it Im not on a bunch of medications or institutionalized or something?


Yvonne said...

I'll be saying extra prayers for can do this. You are brave and courageous! And He'll be by your side.

marilyn said...

Yes you can , Gina ! Like Yvonne said you
are brave and courageous. ENJOY your
time with your friends, you deserve it.
I'll say an extra for ya.

The Sarah Bear said...

I am sitting right here and waiting for you to get back :) You are gonna do fine sis! Love ya.

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