Saturday, April 3, 2010

Fear Is Courage That Says Prayers.

OKAY...I'm going. But I fear. So I pray. But still, I fear. Short of calling everyone I know and telling them to sit on the couch and not move a muscle until I return... I have done all that I can to stand on top of the fear and say NOTHING HORRID will happen while I'm gone.
I was just wondering if my persona was prone to post traumatic stress disorder. When I fell in 98 from the staircase... (I dont think Ive blogged about this). I developed more than the fractures themselves. I let a fear in that didnt go away for a few years. The fear of falling ( go figure) from tops of stairs. I couldnt go up... therefore I REALLY couldnt come down. THAT was some serious work getting rid of that fear I tell you!
Now dang it, I suspect its back.(in the form of tradgedy happening while Im away) Anxiety and short panic attacks, forget sleep, and I cannot focus to save my ....neck. Believe me when I say that I am fighting this every step of the way. I have mastered going to the valley...and no longer think Walt will disintegrate while I'm away. I can be home and not wring my hands worrying about family. However.. heres the big test... Walt and I gone together on holiday,which hasnt happened since we lost Jamie. No holiday-ing for us. I am my own episode of FRINGE. Grunt. Do I thow my cell phone in the trash? Call everyone and ask them to be extra careful? Yes, Hawaii flashes so many times so fast today that I cant keep up with my brain remote. So I pray. I chant the above blogabout title. Oh geez, I just remembered that the last time we met Blima and Mike MY kids called with what I thought was an April fools prank. They said "Hey Mom! We're in Lake Tahoe and had a triple wedding!" yep, we all got married!" . No way did I believe this. But it was very true. This was just before Jake left for Iraq. Not that it was a tradgedy by any means.. but a life changing event without da Mama? WTH???
Yep, I'm throwing the phone in the trash. Why is it Im not on a bunch of medications or institutionalized or something?
CLIC

3 comments:

Yvonne said...

I'll be saying extra prayers for you.....you can do this. You are brave and courageous! And He'll be by your side.

marilyn said...

Yes you can , Gina ! Like Yvonne said you
are brave and courageous. ENJOY your
time with your friends, you deserve it.
I'll say an extra for ya.

The Sarah Bear said...

I am sitting right here and waiting for you to get back :) You are gonna do fine sis! Love ya.

Related Posts with Thumbnails