Friday, April 16, 2010

This Quilter Misses Jamie, Did I mention That?

I saw his picture on Karens fridge. I WANTED him there at Avi's birthday party. I remembered the Paulbearers at Moms funeral, He was missing. He will be missing from all things. Its a peculiar feeling. I smile to see his image, and even his face inside my Son Jake....but an immediate pain takes over. I try to brush it aside, and it remains. IF he is here with me, why does it cause such heartache? I open my sewing machine, there is his little 9 year old face loving his Mama. When I sit to watch TV his goofy braces smile is playing the piano over there JUST for me. I made Clam Chowder and I SWEAR I heard him say that its better than spaghetti. Songs, poems, qoutes, stories are written about these things. Your loved ones blowing in a breeze, the scent of a favorite flower. What if its just a coping mechanismn?
I know... WHYYYYYY THIS post? IMMA bout to tell you.Its about discoveries.
 Its about quilting! Yep... its about quilting.
Two years have passed my friends, and my life as you know has changed greatly. So has my quilting business. I've been frogging. Frogging for days!Yep, and that means pondering. You know the drill. MAYBE the reason for the quilting isnt JUST because of the moving around so much. MAYBE its me. Maybe I am not ABLE to change the grief channels so quickly when I'm alone in what used to be my happy place for hours on end?Isnt it ironic? I asked Walt to move the guest room television in here for me so that I could try that. A babysitter? I have used Rudy, Audio books, news talk radio, all of my music files...and still I feel like LEAPING out of my skin. VERY unusual for me. So I decided to talk about it. I actually feel like talking to HIM about it. So I am doing both. I really would rather be at MQX feeding my quilter side and inspire me, but instead I am here still picking up broken pieces trying to find normal. Wow... I think I need a better plan as this one isnt cutting the mustard now is it? ( who the heck made that saying up? its kinda goofy)
Today I will be listening to A Purpose Driven Life on Audio book. I have it in print and just never got around to it. Ever since Audio books it seems to be a why bother? James had my tech tickle gene. Anything techy and new he HAD to have and disect. He also had his Mom's anxiousness. I really think that I need to dig out his tee shirts and make some quilts. Maybe THAT would help.I truly have not been able to touch them or pictures, or thank you notes! I feel bad for not sending them in a timely manner, but I begin and literally RUN away.  Now I have Mom's thank yous to get out too! For my laziness, I am sorry. Maybe soon. Maybe its what I need for closure. It would seem that I have done everything BUT deal with myself regarding James. And Mom.
 There sure are a great many "maybes" in my brain today eh? A great many stitches to break too. I should go back to it. I suppose I should be thankful that none of the backfill has been done before I saw the SNAFU eh?
I'll be pondering over there should you come up with an epiphanies regarding my


Thomas (& Laura) Hodge said...

Gina, I think our world thinks one should "process grief" and get on with life. I hear people say "oh, once things get back to normal . . ." and want to scream at them - NORMAL???? what do you suppose that might be? There is no normal for someone after a loss like yours.
I like that in the Mass, especially during the Consecration, we believe all the saints come and help. Especially lately, I've asked Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa to be praying for Josh - and Tom, of course - and I can feel their presence as we sing Holy, Holy with them.
I can't imagine your unbearable pain. I only know that Jesus is there beside you always to comfort you. And I believe you can ask Jamie & your Mom for intercession as well.
Loving you (although we haven't met) from Greeley.
Laura xoxo Peace be with You.

Randi said...

Hugs to you, Gina. I can't even fathom the depth of the pain of such a loss. And, how hard it is to find a sense of normalcy again, and how it washes over you time and time again, in big waves. A wound to a mother's heart that can never fully heal.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Gina, no Mom should have to experience this horrible grief.. There is no normal only what feels good each and everyday and some days that may equate to nothing! I love you to pieces and will always be here for you..... Love U more.....

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