"Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently,
but life itself would come to be different."
– Katherine Mansfield
– Katherine Mansfield
Yesterday I decided that my body was not co operating with the whole move, unpack, huck boxes thingy. I had spent over an hour on the computer learning the new above feature of "tabs". I was feeling guilty for being on line and not physically working. However I am REALLY sore & tired! Trying to fit things into the shop is not an easy task, however, blogging about grief isnt either. Since 2 giant Rubbermaid storage containers were staring me in the face, I thought maybe now... maybe now 3 years later I could stop hauling Jamie's clothes around and make the tee shirt quilts.DANGER, I know. If photos are difficult, how in the heck could I possibly get into his clothes? Especially when my home is a wreck, my studio the same, and there is so much to do should I even tackle this?
I'm doing it. I need to recover my body, make some storage room, and walk through this damn fire.
I'm doing it. DANGER.
For 6 hours straight I sorted, sniffed, measured, cut, inhaled James scent still on his clothing. I did'nt die. I'm still breathing. Its amazing. I fell from time to time. I scared myself and texted my daughter a few times. I also had a different feeling. I was able to recall memories fondly. I saw Jamie wearing some things, hearing his laugh and seeing him smile. I could feel his presence and hear him telling which tee shirt went into what quilt, and WHO to give it to. One might think this was my own mind speak, but I would disagree.
This kid was such a saver. I have his swim team tee's, baseball, Hume Lake church camp outs, his beloved Wolf tee's and then there are those drinking shirts from his concert trips. He loved shirts with stupid sentiments on them. His favorites are evident in thier wear and tear. One thing that I find odd beyond belief is there are 3, count the 3 shirts from Maui, specifically. Now as far as I know, he has never been to Maui, but it was where I WAS when the life changing call came in. I am still scratching my head about this one. Could he have gone and I dont remember? I will ask the kids today too.
In all of his clothing, bedding, etc, it is very clear that which was important to him. His pride in his brothers military tours is one of them. Even the duffle bag from boot camp was saved and now, cut up. His passion for music like his Mama, and the damned love of drinking too. ( not mama) I scolded him as I always have for that. Dear God I miss him so much.
I went to sleep last night with the day on my mind, the scent of him all over me, his slippers on my feet, and guess what? I slept.
Amazing, just amazing.
60 Tee shirts in all and jeans and dress shirts ahead of me for today. I am not afraid. I am in hopes that this will bring comfort to the kids and his Dad....and me.
Heres the initial picture. I will take you with me on this journey too K? If ya wanna come:)