Sunday, September 7, 2008

Fall is coming! Blima is coming too!

About fall..... I adore the sounds, the scent, the sites, and I feel a rebirth of wonder each and every fall. I have always felt excitement about the future, be it road trips, kids in school, Christmas, fall activities, just... excitement!
I love the crisp air, the fires beginning, the changing color of leaves, and the pumpkins at every turn of the eye. I especially love to see new places in the fall. Eastern states are awesome to say the least. Montreal, Quebec however, is my favorite:) Blima and I have driven many a road just soaking the fall in. I'm sure that you have read about a few of our travels eh? My friend will come here this fall, and we will again hit the road to see some leaves. Lake Tahoe bound this time. I'm so looking forward to this I tell you.
Jamie was born in fall, as was his baby brother Jake. I KNOW the heart of life, is still good. But I miss my son terribly. Most times, I can think of much else. Try as I may, be it quilting, pondering, writing, reading, singing, cooking, driving, absolutely anything! His life, all 26 years of memories, my life from his on...his siblings. Each and every memory is pure pain, and loving memories. A mental journey that I'm being forced to take. Have you read Battle of the Mind? I think Joyce Meyers is her name? ( author) I think I'm going to dig it out an re-read it. Funny how all the stuff I've already learned is out the window in this kind of a battle eh?

Shortly after Jamie's death, a bird came in through the sliding glass door. My husband called to me and I came to find a little bird, staring me right in the eye, in the dining room. I said “hello,I love you”, hoping it was James spirit because he would know to come to me in the form a bird, which I love. The little bird just starred back for at least a minute, before hopping back out the door and taking flight off of the patio.
I dont know where Jamie is. I dont know why, or what to think. Often times I just scream inside, and no one hears. I am still breathing nearly 7 months later, and I am afraid, and I am hopeful, and I am alive. Sometimes I dont know how or why I live on, but I do. Sometimes, I dont want to, and sometimes I do. I feel tortured, and blessed all at the same time. How can this be?? I like to think that its still all so untrue, and I know I'll wake up. Its "safe mode" for my brain.
side note: Do you see how I choose to discuss a nice fall memory and even that turns to pain?Really creeps me out.
At any rate, as I said before, The heart of life? Still good out there somewhere, and I find little pieces all around. I am in hopes that this fall brings a few pieces together with my friend.

1 comment:

Freda said...

I hope you find the pieces to Gina. Enjoy your trip with Blima.

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